It may not be quite normal for me to be so silent especially this past few days that I am always alone in the house. It may not be also quite normal for me to be so deep more often than the past years, reflecting on what I did. Above all, it may not be quite normal for me to forget a day about him.
I may not be able to understand things now. But, soon I will. Things running differently now compared from the past months. It came across to my mind when he started to work for the better future. And with that, I'll give him my sincerest applause. No man could ever do so much to me just like what he is doing. I may not be able to say that he is doing so well and so hard just to earn a buck to save all the time, but deep inside my heart, I duly acknowledge all of his efforts.
I don't know to what angle I should see to see the varied stories I could get from these experiences. It maybe the death-terrifying experiences of mine or the silence or maybe the distance that we should have. I should say, "space".
I don't know what he is up to now from days of not seeing him. No talking. No chatting. Just complete silence. I don't know what to think about. I don't know how is he by now.
I courageously talked to my mom about it and she told me a lot of advice about handling it. With all the things she said, only this strike up my mind. "Reserve something for yourself." After she having said that, it really made me a lot of thinking that until now, these words are still playing inside my head. Maybe, I just love him too much that I didn't made something for myself a reservation. Maybe, I have been too attached too him from everyday talking to him and I've been used to this system after several months of speaking to him ever single day since then.
Right now, it's a challenge for me to face the word: CHANGE.
This is consistent to this finite world I am living in. This word has been the only thing that people see and live with as they go along the waves of life. But for me, it's quite a big challenge to undertake. My mom said, "It's easy to go along with it." For me, it's not.
I hope he is able to read this blog right now. If he can't sign in to Skype for some personal reasons. I don't have any other means to communicate with him. Just a simple thought to keep for me.
No matter what he is doing right now though he didn't chatted me for two days in a row now, I wish him the best and success in these things. If he wishes space, it's fine. He has tons of work to do, so I just hope that he can finish all of these in due time. It's his right that I'll give him. I just want to say these things to him in bullets.
First, I really appreciate all his efforts he has done for his self and for us. He has done a lot than me. I'm just staying at home for months, left unproductive. Leaving him all these work. I'm really sorry for that part. Though I don't emphasize this much in most of our conversations, but, I just want him to think that I am just always here for him no matter what. He is the best man I could ever have. Darn it, he is the only man I will love. He has worked a lot. Kudos!
Second, I just realized how life changes. It's a big break for me. I know. For several years of rushing, now left several months of staying at home, left unproductive. It's tough. Really tough. From the start of everyday chatting, now nothing. It's leaving some heavy hearts for me. Reading no messages from Skype, so it's like I don't have anything to understand a thing here. So, just created some thoughts that maybe he's working or sleeping all day. I just tried to assume things out here now. Or maybe, he just wanted some space. I don't know.
Third, I just have to adjust. From a dramatic 70s love story of Jenny and Oliver of "Love Story (1970)" to Holly and Milo of "Holly's Holiday (2012)" with full of sarcasm and wit. In this way, it made me challenge the thought of forever. It's like I really realized, that it's not easy to make "forever" a reality. See, we are 11,497 miles apart and we are residing from exactly two sides of the world. So, seeing each other, adjusting schedules just to see each other is a tough thing for us. And as much as we wanted to be with each other, it's like, it's so tough to balance reality and the virtual romance.
Setting aside these things, just a last thought. In general, I am just used to everyday chats. We talked a lot of things, laughed of so many things, shared a lot of things, cried and confessed a lot of things, even the most private matters are known to each other for these past few months. Every single night, way back when I was working, I never regret to stay up so late and slept in my classes just to see him. In his night time, I drenched up my chores just to see him. Well, these was when he was still staying a lot in the house. But, right now, I just thought of these things, just merely recalling all these memories we have back together. I just have to deal with the idea, that these things will never happen again. You know, several hours of chatting is too impossible. Chatting twice a day, is really tough, so tough for him to be consistent of. For me, it's cool since I am just staying at home. But for him, it's not because he is working. So, then again, I have to give him his space for that part.
In sum, it will all leave to the idea of understanding and patience. It's just up to me on how to deal with these things. But, this is my only condition for him. At least, leave me just a single message everyday so I won't worry too much. I love him. And so he does. I just missed him so much. Hope he does, too.
;'(
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