Stay gorgeous and hot.
Stay beautiful in any angle.
Stay intelligent as much as possible.
Stay awesome.
Stay with cool career.
Stay powerful.
Stay ambitious.
Stay hidden.
Stay insecure.
Stay private.
Stay freaky.
Stay masochist.
Stay what?
As much as people will see the goodness in me and how they praise me for something I did that for them is so great, that only a few could ever do. Things that only selected people can make them possible. As such, power and fame could really conquer one's secrets. I shall say, override the darkest sides, which I really hide as much as possible.
Masochism.
According to Wikipedia.com, masochism is an act of gratifying one's self by hurting self to any means. It may come either sexual or not as long as the factor of enjoying the pain is much noticeable from the person. It's much more of enjoying pain.
I don't know the concrete reason why I am writing this blog with this topic. Maybe, it's because I wanted to record the events that will somehow turn out to masochism. Why? I somehow like the feeling of getting pain from anything. These past experiences will tell me why.
1. Scratching my arm skin with a nail pusher
Last 2008, I was deeply hurt by too much pressure. Pressure of being on top of the game all the time. I was really in competition to myself whether I could really make it to the top spot of the batch. Well, you know, Class Valedictorian. I like to be praised with my abilities and so on and for making it there, but I really hate the pressure of people around me especially my family per se. I guess all of them are telling me, "You know, you are the only one who will reach the top spot from the family clan. So, grab that chance. Use your brains." I really could remember my mother telling me those words just months before the graduation.
So, I am really an obedient daughter, so I really did my best shot in everything. However, upon making the process of reaching it, there are a lot of factors why it's tough. Well, here comes this classmate who was also trying her best to give the best shot to reach my level. And, what is worse is that my teachers are really liking her. But, I didn't mind. I still make it sure that I really have A++ grades in everything. From exams, quizzes, etc. So, yes, I was announced to be the class valedictorian. But, the process is really hard. There was one time that the gold medal which was supposed to be mine was really given to the other one. So, I was really depressed. But, still I was the class Valedictorian. But, there were anomalies and I really fought for it.
So, to make this tale short, I was not able to take the pressure, because first, it's hard to maintain the top spot and second, it's hard to resist from sexual temptation.
At that time, my classmates are already inviting me to join their club. I really insist that I don't want to do it. But then, in the middle of the process, it's getting lose. So, I tried to hit on someone. But, then, I realized that it's not a good thing because he was just using me to prove to his pals that he made the top 1 of the graduating class, the very tough one, fall in love with him or somehow liking him, with his adorable moves.
I guess, at that time, I was too pressured, so, I got myself a chance to be alone and got myself a nail pusher and start to doodle in my arm. I wrote the word "LOVE". As far as I could remember, that was the word that I really didn't understand. I really ask myself whether people are just loving me or telling me that they love me just because they have something to get from me just like my intelligence and fame. Something like that. LOVE.
Somehow, it looks like in this photo but it's just deeper and it's written with the word "LOVE".
Photo credits: Google.com.ph
2. Attempt to cut my wrist
Last 2012, I did something worse again. I just tried to cut my wrist. On my left hand, where the main vein is present. So, imagine, if I did cut my left wrist, maybe, I'm already cold in the grave now. So, thank God I'm still alive.
As far as I could remember, 2011-2012 was the most obnoxious years of my life. It was the time that my heart was totally broken because of some reasons. First, I was rejected by the man I loved since I was first year in college, since 2009. I confessed my feelings to him but, he denied it by 2012. Telling the whole bunch of stories around it will take this blog too long. So, just a glimpse of it, it's like you're being left behind with so much expectations because of the way he shows you. He really acted as if he has the comfy, liking me feeling. He started to act like that 2010. So, my adoration to him went deeper and later, it formed to love. I really was totally hurt when he denied that. Just imagine, I was into him and only him during my entire college years. Almost. Second reason, I was in the list that I almost lost my scholarship. Actually, this was because I was too affected by the first reason. I fell in love with someone who can't love me back so, everything sucked up. From my grades, to my performance in the student government office. Everything. Hence, because of that, I really thought of killing myself. I don't know, but as far as I could remember, after the fearful rejection from this man, this made my whole life in trouble.
First, I played boys. I fool them around. I reaped them. I took advantage of them. I was totally insane. Second, I suffered from my almost-gone scholarship. Third, my chance of getting a cum laude was then blurry.
So, what I did is I got something sharp and cut my wrist. But, I really don't know what exactly happened, but it's just that I think somebody had stopped me from doing that. So, I really stopped. I don't know. Then, I just realized that it was already painful and all. So, I tried to cover it with a bracelet. So, it was totally painful. Imagine a fresh wound covered with something. I just secretly put some ointment on it just to ease the pain and heal it faster. I thought I was the only who knew about it but then Clifford, the student assistant of the student activities office, which was the organizer of the leadership camp, saw it. I approached him to put some plaster and all just to cover it because of the water games. So, he was the only one who knew about it.
The wound is looking like this photo below.
Photo credits: http://thestoryofmywrists.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/scar.jpg
3. Punching the walls, floors
Just this Friday, June 13, 2014, I punched the walls and floors because of several reasons. But, what was exactly the major thing there was I was just getting too emotional to think that anyone who could will know it will really think I'm too stupid to do that. First reason, I just missed my boyfriend that much because of lesser quality time now. I know it's really because of work but, it's deeper than that. It was more of being unfair of some things. Well, you know, effort. With that, it really required me a lot of barrels of understanding and patience until it reached the point that I wasn't able to take the pain inside me and as such, I need to release it. So, I punched the walls, the floors. Second reason, I really feel that I get slapped with my own face. Why? Because I was a career woman. At first, it was cool to know that I will stay at home and rest from too much working, too much teaching, too much stress. It was really at the beginning. But then, it turned out that he was the one working that much and now, I'm at home. I really realized that it's really hard to be a housewife especially that you're a career woman at first. In my case, I really was workaholic. With that, it will make me sick if I just stay at home doing nothing. So, this time, it's really a big and a tough challenge to do. You know, it's really different than before, which makes it more boring but at the same time, exciting. Ironic, isn't it? Yeah, but I just want to emphasize that what I really just thought of is just the present and not of the future. This time, right after punching the walls, and suffering my weekends from this swollen hand, I somehow able to understand things.
What I just felt is just an insane desperation of attention. I'm naturally an attention-seeker. But then, somehow, I'm left alone in the house. My parents are working and now my sister, who was always here with me, now at school and in college. My boyfriend is at work now. So, literally, I was left in the dark. It was really completely irritating. I'm alone.
So, that was it, I really was left with the choice of releasing this pain inside rather than slowly it will kill me step by step. As a result, I have a swollen hand from too much punching. But, still, I'm really so cool with acting so my parents didn't notice that except my sister who was really an insane observant.
My right hand was somehow looking like this.
Photo credits: http://www.handsurgerysingapore.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/swollen_hands.jpg
With these sets of experiences, I really have to record these things and try to avoid early symptoms of masochism. For real. With these, I really hope that the people around me will help me with these behavior disorder because I know it's not good. My boyfriend really told me that I have to stop this kind of behavior. But, for me, it's not easy especially that it has been with me all these years. He even told me, that he will be making a stress debriefing baseball bat or something out of wood so, I will just release every tension in my body just by smashing the walls with the baseball bat and not my hand.
So, well, that's why I often asked him, "Schatz, do you really know how to handle me?" And he always says "Yes"
Well, this is another part of me for him to handle. But at least, we somehow discuss it several times and really letting him understand my past experiences. But this, masochism thing is a bit fresh to him. So, this blog will help him understand this side of me.
Schatz, don't worry, I will cope this disruptive behavior. Help me. :)
Author's Notes:
Masochism, at its early stages should be discussed well with partners or with the family. So, they could understand your situation. In my case, only my sister knows about it and my boyfriend. But, my parents don't know about this, really. Because whenever I'm with them, I have to make sure I'm alright and stable. So, only my sister and my boyfriend are the ones whom I can share most of my emotions. But then, it is quite miserable because they are now absent and busy with things.
Anyway, anything could get worse, ask help or start to talk to anyone you trusted the most to secure help from them. Because if we will just let this problem pass through, it will just affect our way of thinking and in the worst side, our future especially when we already own a family. It's not a good way that our future kids will see us in this scenario.
Let's pray for each other so we can help each other hand in hand. So, we'll get through this tough challenge. Amen.
Tschüß!
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