Just a thought
Probably, a lot of people will say it's not easy to trust or to trust one person. But, usually this depends upon the person per se. A lot of reasons behind it why people's ability to trust is affected much easily and why people don't place their trust to someone as easy as the others. Maybe, they may be in pain before that we don't know or maybe they are victims of how painful realities of trust is. Trust is such a big idea to explore and to deepen. Trust is not just an idea that any individual could think of. Trust is a mystery itself that we don't see in reality but it's there present in our hearts. In silence, it's doing something to keep the balance of life and to retain the interconnectedness of one another, as we go along this journey of our limited life.
Many references will define trust. But, for me, trust is deeper than how Wikipedia or Meriam or any thesaurus will describe. A lot of words are placed there to describe how trust is and should be. It's limited. We know that trust is a belief to someone with all complete honesty and sincerity as well as reliance to anything a man could ever think of based on agreements between the people.
Well, that is how trust is defined. It's how scholars see it. It's simple, right? It can even be defined with one sentence. But, how come experiencing trust is something like a different story.
Mine is nothing extraordinary. It may be already heard from elsewhere. But, personally, the experience is deeper than what I have expected. I never knew that trust is something bigger than how dictionaries define it. I thought it was just a simple and plain truth of life. But, it's nothing easy to deal with. It's not.
I am woman with assertiveness and wit. Everyone knows that. I am someone anyone could praise of. I was once a woman with complete power and fame. But, I easily trust to someone. I give them their responsibilities and designated them to their areas and thought that I learned to trust them. Maybe, I did. But, it wasn't yet the complete truth. That experience was still a pinkie of everything that I will be undergoing all throughout.
First trial of Trust: As a student council president
Way back, when I was still a student council president, I was given such power to give the last word of every decision, that every bit of it means a lot of everyone and a bit of it will affect the entire system and the entire student body. At first, I know trust. Based from dictionaries, yes, as an intellectual, I know. But never in my life that I will be tested with it. Well, going back, I have given my staff their respective responsibilities. I thought it was trust for me. You know, leaving your people behind to work out a certain thing that you visualize as a leader. They looked upon me, to every decisions that they asked. But, it was not. It was just totally an idealistic view of trust, where I can just leave my people behind completely that it came to the point that I didn't knew what was going on.
Lesson learned:
Never trust anyone 100% because I may not know who will kill me by my own kindness.
Reason:
I don't trust anyone 100% because I may not know how people will kill me with my kindness. I was way too stupid to think that everyone can be trusted. I didn't knew that trust is simply an idea where it will kept by anyone. A value that I share with them that I expected to be kept within their hearts and be left sealed. After that moment, where I didn't knew I was back-stabbed by my own staff (I can say most of them), I realized that it's not good to completely trust anyone, especially that I am a person in power. I should always be vigilant and alert to these people whom I have given my trust.
Second trial of Trust (Batch/As a whole): As an online lover/friend
After college, I was delved with online chatting. So I have chatted a lot of them and even made close to them and really made some attachments to them. After loosing my ability to complete trust anyone after my terrible experience way back, I thought I have already my strongest fence to these predators. But, I didn't have it. I thought trust can be gained back. But, I didn't. I trusted them that they will be true to me, but after a year of chatting almost every continent in the world, I didn't have that complete experience that I'm looking for. From these, I told myself, I don't have a space in this online world. Even online, or even up-close and personal, no one can be trusted.
Lesson learned:
Guard my heart from those heartless predators. Don't trust anyone else.
Reason:
In virtual world, where internet is highly a slam in this techie era, it's really inevitable to desire at least to make friends online and really make online connections with the people from the different parts of the globe. I thought that it's safe here from painful experiences or if I will have broken promises here, maybe I will be at least, be able to stand from these victimizing acts from people especially my trust since we are not in the same continent or I am not in person with them and because I am deeply aware that it's my heart that will suffer if I will loose my gates to them.
Third trial of trust: As a long-distance girlfriend
I also met my boyfriend from Germany online. After one month of no chatting from people, here I go again, chat anyone again. Then, I finally met him. He seemed different from the rest of the guys I know. And definitely, he's not stupid. So, I like him from the first time I met him via Skype. We chatted everyday. Every night, too, especially that time when I was still working as a teacher. Not until around mid-May to early July, where our chances of chatting is getting lesser every week, I was greatly tested with trust again. I was then so sad. I read a lot of blogs, articles on how to handle such depression of his absence but none of them became that effective to me. It came to the point that we didn't chat for one week. Only leaving messages from the first two days, not consecutive, it was alternating days. Today, leave message and tomorrow, none. So, it was terrible for me. One blog suggested that in a long distance relationship, regular communication is a must to prevent shaky trust to your partner. But then, during that time, our communication was lesser than we both thought, especially in the early July where we didn't chat at all.
Lesson learned:
Ironic may it seems, but trust the person 100%.
Reason:
"Just trust me. That's all that I've been asking for." That's what he always plead from me ever since. I know he needs that, because I need that, too, from him. We are in a long distance relationship. From this moment, I realized, that trust is something about responsibility. It's an effort to make it work based from the foundations of trust. It's not easy. But, it's worth the experience. It took me years after which I discovered more about it until such time that my romantic life was a complete test for me as an individual about trust. It is an entirely different from my previous experiences.
Conclusion:
It's not easy to trust, especially that you've been broken before from your past relationships or terrible painful life experiences from betrayals, distrusts, etc. I know that it's not easy to give it a shot once again, because as human beings it's a natural coping mechanism to make defenses from possible attacks of predators around, searching for our weaknesses and kill us. But you know, what I learned, it's deeper.
Trust is connected with love. Trust is love and love is trust. We can't trust if we don't love. We can't teach ourselves to trust if we don't teach ourselves to love, too. It's connected. No matter how much we try to separate them, but they're naturally instinctive and interconnected. I realized that by trusting someone, it's always a tricky part. Since in giving someone our trust, it's also like giving your heart to them. So, it's also a responsibility to keep it closed and sealed, as promised. Trust will never exist without someone to give to. You cannot give trust if you don't have someone to give it to. You can trust yourself, but without loving yourself, how can you trust yourself you can do it? It's just the same as trusting someone else.
Therefore, I define trust as a value or a belief that any individual can give to both self and others based from what was promised and based from the depth of love that any individual has given to as related to responsibility and 100% effort, which can be affected by some external factors that affects it's depth and shallowness depending upon the degree of pain and capacity for self-defense. It is something that the person entrusted with trust should also work to maintain the fragility of trust and also, the person who give it by believing this person will be able to make it work. Trust is an effort, not just a value because trust is love and love is responsibility.
This is how I defined trust. How about you?
Author's Notes:
1 John 5:13:15
"I have written this to you to believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know you have eternal life. And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him. And since we know he hears us when we make requests, we also know that he will give us what we ask for."
This is how God taught me to regain my ability to trust once again. This is also the verse I've read just hours before my boyfriend popped up from Skype and chatted once again from one week of absence. Thus, this verse means a lot to me. Thanks, Lord for giving him to me. I promise to treasure him for the rest of my life. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment