Mecyll's Note #2

This is really funny. To think that I am making my blog like a diary entry. Seems like.
Well, anyway. This is my second note. From the first one, I talked about a bit of a sneak preview from the entire stuff I wish to write about.

**From here, I don't know what to write about. Pause.

Suffering. Let me talk about this. Forgetting this word sounded like I will get to seek a psychiatric help afterwards. I am asking myself several times, why do I have to suffer like this deeply. Living that kind of shitty life of a fairy tale built by the elder ones you look up to since birth. However, when the reality speaks of itself, I really cannot believe that what they have told me are all shit.

I may sound like a childish, immature woman right now, but experiencing this one several times makes me feel sick. All my life I believe that when I just have to do my best to claim my top spot will pave the way to my success in life. For my future. But it doesn't sound the same with my reality.

I am hurt. In different unique ways. Several times. Many times. A thousand times. I have no idea when it would end unless I kill myself. But I guess I don't have the right to give in as I don't have the power to take away my life unless God intends me to. However, slowly, if this continues, it might be true.

I already did attempted several times in years. In three different times and situations. Somehow, the half of me is saying that "Hey, you should not take your life. It's God's right. Only Him can take it in His own time and way." Yet, the other speaks a bit loud of doing it again.

I am so hurt where no one cares and understands. Because I fear to be judged, I chose to keep my stance in silence and keep these things within myself. I spoke up with several close ones, but neither of them yet to understand how I really do feel and think as of this moment.

I saw several coffins today, making me think about death. A lot of people standing around in grief. I wonder when these dead people were alive, were they around to listen to them? Maybe, otherwise. People live life in most regrets than gratitude anyway.

They will only feel the total regret if that someone dies. If that will be me, would everyone come to my coffin and cry? When I was alive, would they do? Did they even care to what I feel?

I guess I don't even have the right to have fun and express myself in my deepest thoughts. Unleashing them will be a hassle for everyone. I am naturally a jealous girl. Let's take that an example. Let's say, I will let them see that, I know for sure, they will prevent it by saying it stupid. So, before saying so, I often say, "disregard..."

I feel neglected. Worthless. Wearing my mask all time. So no one would see how extremely sad I am right now. But, is there anyone who would listen? No one. I always live to beg and swallow my pride. And even forget that I am still alive by killing myself step by step is the best way to keep everyone happy.

I envy those people with people who could really understand them and who will be really with them in times of need. Having someone you can really depend on. But in my case, I am usually independent. No one is actually there. I am used to it.

Well, anyway, I am trained to keep things under my control. So, keeping everything to myself is the best idea I could do. Right now, I am still keeping this extreme sadness.

Everything's mixed up. Everyone is getting their MAs, ranks, promotions. I am here waiting for not granted promises. Unemployed. Earning low. No savings.

What else could I think about? Others may think I am selfish to think about these things, but I guess I should just accept that the words "fun" and "enjoy" are not for me.

I did what I could possibly do to make other people happy. Sacrificed my wants and desires for life for what they seemed to prefer me to do. But neither I feel they did something back for me. Unfair, isn't it? Well, that's my life.