At first, I really find it hard to accept myself just the way I am. Why? Because I need to look perfect in any ways. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, even romantically. It even came to the point that I don't know how to act and how should I decide to live my life the way I wanted it to be. Well, I didn't expect that somebody will come along into my life who recognizes my faults and neither he reacted badly when he slowly discovered my glitches.
Well, actually, this blog is just out of the blue idea to me. I just have this concept in mind but I really don't know how to put into exact words. But anyhow, I just have to express things and let my mind flow in this page.
So, when I was a kid...
This is me when I was around 4 years old. I look happy, right? Yes, I was. Just like the other kids out there, I play around but most of the time with the boys since I was the only girl in the street. So, indeed, I am a happy kid. However, behind these smiles is a story which I kept within myself not until I revealed all these things to my boyfriend.
Since, I am the eldest daughter, I need to be upright and intellectually capable. Hence, my parents taught me so much discipline and my aunt in my academic excellence, on the other hand. For several years, I have lived to be a sort of nerdy type of kid because all I need to do as part of my priority is to study, to study, to study in order to achieve the top spot. Yes, the top spot. Right now, I am 21 years old but I could barely remember how happy I was as a kid. All I could remember is how tough is to live the life of the girl named "Mecyll". It is really not that easy. Every night, I need to train myself to write in almost perfect handwriting the way my mother set up according to her standards which is up until now she is monitoring them whether my handwriting goes bad or still good in her eyes. From my stance and the way I should walk, it is trained. I guess every angle of me is really monitored. Thus, I need to be perfect in their ways.
I lived in perfection...
For 21 years of living in this world, I could only remember so little chances that I took a path which I really chose and prepared for negative consequences. Well, thanks to my parents who prevented me to decide myself. Really, I lived my life with their decisions and everything that I should do is with their standards and domestic by-laws. I could only recall that I chose to take the course which my father do not like but I fought for it. At least, right now, although I somehow regretted my decision because I really know that I don't fit in. At least, I have tasted the savory consequences of my decisions and not theirs. The feeling that I really can't forget is that when my father was disappointed because I was just the Top 5 in class. That was really disappointing and sad because taking to the top spot is never easy. But I did at least in the fifth place. I really cried in my mother's arms. She really said, "Don't worry, you'll be on top next time. Next time, study more." It has always been that way. My parents never did told me, "It's okay. We really accept your capabilities and we respect that." Something like comforting words and not merely giving more pressure to me.
This photo really reminded me of my goal that someday, the stars will be with me and really bow down to me. I will be so powerful and intelligent in class and a lot of people will praise me of everything I did.
I am even proud to say that I joined the path which my parents didn't expect such as running for university elections and won as an executive president in the student council. It was the path that I knew it could be worth dying for. Politics. At that time, I knew the consequences. With those experiences, I was able to see more of my capacities and I did have chances to gain experiences where I started to decide on my own without bothering much about other's opinions. Because of that, until now, I can't forget how happy I was that I slowly started to get the reality of everything where I was able to use my real intelligence and wit.
Honors, Awards, Fame...
Gone are the days of honor, award, fame for me. I have lived with for so long. This time, I have to take new advances on what to do for my next step upon exploring my possibilities. Yes, I received a lot of certificates, awards, medals as well as power and authority over thousands of people where I even experienced how powerful my signature is. But really, I don't even acknowledge much of the good sides of these things. All I really thought about was, "At last, I discovered more about myself." Although a lot of people praise me for being so good in class as well as being a student leader myself, but for real, the thing that makes me really happy is that I was able to decide on my own based on what I really wanted to do.
Real things that I really love to do...
Creative Arts, Photography, Fine Arts
Photo no. 1: Big Jesus Statue
Photo no. 2: Another view of the cemetery
Photo no. 3: The Post
Sketch no. 1: Home
Sketch no. 2: Evolution of Love
Aside from writing anything that scribbles my mind all the time, I love to do photography and pencil arts just like sketching using different pencils particularly numbers of lead type. With my sketch pad and my Staedtler pencil and eraser, I can always have it a go. Using my ordinary phone, I can always take wonderful photos. These simple things are the things I really wanted to do and pursue as I grow old. I love telling people what I see either by written or by art or by captured images. Right now, for practicality sake, I need to stick what my reality dictates because I know someday, I will be able to do them myself. Of course, with the help of somebody to really make this possible. LOL.
The present...
I admit that I am currently unemployed. But, I am not ashamed of it. Why? It is because I took the courage to tell the world that "Hey, I need a break! I wanted to search of something that I really wanted to do at the same time, I earn!" A lot of people are really shocked with this decision and they really find me in terrible case that they can't stop laughing about. However, I don't care. I just can't stand working again with this authority problem that I have and doing things just for the sake of money. What I wanted to do from the beginning is to enjoy the thing I do but at the same time, I am earning something of it financially. The result, I am at peace. I have never been this calm before since all I thought of was to be so rush that I ended up with a regrettable decision, which I really considered the most terrible thing I did in my life. I don't want that top happen again. Seriously.
See that photo right there? Behind that happy face is a sad lady trapped in a bad situation. Tsk, I don't want that again. I was a teacher. Well, not a perfect teacher anyone could think of. I taught my students well I should say but yes, I was distracted. My boss could say those words to me. "Ma'am, you really a good teacher. You are intelligent and so on but you are just distracted." Those were the exact words that my boss told me before I bid goodbye from work. That same time, I really told myself, "I really am not to teach."
Getting back to my drive...
Yes, so, I regained that drive within me through my current boyfriend. He really cared much about what I really want in life and he wants to help me in achieving what I really want. Because my dreams are so important for him that we also need to work hard for. Really, it is. I am so happy now and I am really in peaceful state unlike before.
The real point of this blog...
Sometimes, though you are already lost in so many years that you really don't know what to do in your life, there will always be that one person who will take you the path where you have always wanted to be. That person will really be there for you just like a gem among the dusty stones around the corner of the road. Others may see you worthless and unhappy, but then again, there will be that person who will help you regain the happiness that was lost for so long years. Since I already met the person who gave me the drive to pursue things which I really wanted and we both have similar field, arts, I cannot really express the exact words to describe how happy I am especially when he told me, "I just like the way you are".
Author's Notes:
This blog is intended to show how I grew up and I know there are a lot of similar stories who are seen to be great persons by other people but neither did they knew the sorrow of this person. They seem to be happy outside but inside, they are not. But somehow, in God's playful wit, fate twisted and sent a person who will really be a disguised angel who will really take you to the place where you always wanted. That person who will support you to the things you really wanted to do that you seemed to forget for so many years because you think there will be no chance of getting it. But, guys and gals, just remember this, prayers is always the best weapon and tool for us to achieve what we want in accord to God's plans. You will really know that it's God's plan because everything sailed smoothly as you gear yourself to your desired success. Hope you are able to learn something from this blog. 'Til next time, tschüss!
***Credits to the owner of the last photo used for this blog. I don't own that photo.
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