My Black Hole

I really am fearful to share things to people around me, especially that I, myself, don't even understand these things that make me anxious all time. I feel so sad today though I don't know the exact reason why. My life sucked, I guess.

As human as I am, I try to figure out the possible solutions that I may get from the surroundings based from what I see and what I perceive. I may be able to give a solution or a specific answer to every logical form of questioning, but this time, things seem to have gradually changed. 

I don't know if it's pride that swallowed me or what. But since this kind of drama is not allowed in the house, I can't freely express it in front of my loved ones. So, I decided to keep these things inside myself. If I may burst it out unexpectedly, I rather jot them down here in my personal blog. In case, what happens to me, there is an anecdote available for them to read upon. 

Sadness conquers me as I go along each day. A kind of sadness which no doctors nor any scientist could ever heal. And because I don't want the people around me to feel that I am really that sad, I wear my favorite mask to give them an unconditional smile, as if I am really okay. Nothing is going on. 

If they have been that observant, they would notice changes I guess. For example, my sister is now trying to convince me to eat, because I have gradually lost my appetite. And I like the complete silence as I feel the soft tears falling from my two eyes. 

I don't want to sound dramatic to everyone, so I am here writing and silently crying in depths of despair which I really don't understand. I am so sad not because I feel embarrassed to the fact that I am not what the person everyone expected me to have become. 

Well, maybe a part of it devours me and my pride but that does not complete the entirety of the whole sadness that I really truly feel. My boyfriend always remind me to be confident. But I somehow lost it. I do even forget the feeling of true positivism that I had once thought all the time. Every thing's in place except now. 

I really feel I'm a total worthless person. Nothing special. I am like a stone where everyone just either being thrown away or treated as nothing. I am nothing. I wanted to fight this kind of feeling all time, but it seems that there is a black hole, where the entire energy sucked the entire mass of my positive feeling which has affected me in this moment. 

I really don't know what changed people that I truly loved. Am I getting boring? Worthless? It seems like. I don't excite them anymore. I am not that interesting anymore. I am useless. I don't earn that much as everyone does. I don't have that power that once I have had. I don't have that name that gained so much attention. I don't have that "snap" to catch the attention of everyone. I am getting worthless and boring, might as well an uninteresting woman. 

It's okay I guess. I have to accept. I keep these things all alone as I have been trained for. Keep all the dramas with me and let them devour me all throughout. It's up to the people around to figure out. I'm taking the foot steps towards my dungeon, and in that same place I dwell and keep my silent tears, no one could ever hear. 

No dramas outside. Keep them all inside and confidently say "hi" to everyone I meet with my big smile as if nothing is really going on inside me. I will keep that sadness with me, and bury it with me until death. This is my black hole. 

After University Life: Nostalgia After Two Years, What Have I Learned?

After two years since I graduated in college, I got my yearbook, my graduation photos, and all those stuff included in the almost 4k package (requirement to graduate actually). I got my yearbook first months ago, and yesterday, my photos in pack that came with a mug and a sort of flag or whatever in cardboard. Well, I am not talking much about these things. My experiences were then seemed like a nostalgia for me.

I went to the university [campus] once again for several times since months. But, every time I go in from the security, and take my footsteps in the hallway, I always remember several things that happened in this university after a long time. All the memories were recalled. Everything. From the bad to good student life were re-experienced once again.

Whenever I hear the laughter in groups, I remember how my life was as a student. Behind these laughter were big struggles earning higher grades from Nazi professors. This is really true especially to those scholars alike. I was a scholar. So, I really know how it feels like to do much sacrifices in order to impress every class instructor to get good grades [to maintain the scholarship].

Love. Another thing to remember. A cool thing about it is whenever I experience downs before, I always go to the chapel. And there in the pews, I silently cry. This is the only place where I could really express myself freely away from the people. Seriously, I don't want other people to see me crying. Because for me, crying is a symbol of weakness. Well, that was before, when I used to wear the best mask of pretense.

I closed my eyes in the pews once again after two years. Amid silence, I could still clearly remember what I prayed in front of the cross. "Lord, why do I have to experience this kind of pain? Would there be a man who would treat me like a queen or at least, a woman? Would there be a big possibility a man would love me and accept for who I am and willing to accept my flaws and downfalls? Would there be a man to exist who would really love me deeper than the Pacific?"

During that time, I just hear silence. I cried once again as I recall it. Because although I am in the same pew where I sat two years ago, there I was again, in teary-eyes, I said my prayer, "Lord, thank you for giving me such a man who would do everything for me. A man who would really love me for who I am and a man who would respect me and accept my whole love for him. A man who would really love me back and will never let me fall down and left behind. He may be stupid, I would be more stupid to let him go."

It sounds romantic. Yes, it is. Lesson learned here. Wait.
I have to wait for to years to know him. I felt my terrible heartache in 2012, and fell in love again in two years time. 2014 for me is the best year.

I learned to love. Above all, I learned to trust again and to commit. I played men before. Now, my views have changed.

Wait. Right now, I am waiting again. When would I able to meet him in person?
When would I be with him and stay with him? When would I be able to help him in his plans for us? When?

I will wait. Best things come in God's timing.