I have always been adored and loved by everyone.
I have always been on top of everything.
I am always praised for anything I do.
As such, I always forget that I am also a human.
A human with emotions, constantly changing time by time.
Today, while reading the Bible in Psalms 139: 1-18, I am reminded that in this world, there are changes. Change is always been a constant companion. Two thousand years have gone since our Savior has died on the cross by cruelty of humankind, it seems that His message is irreplaceable and unchanging.
I am not really that religious per se. But, with His astonishing wisdom, I am always struck by them. These verses that I have just read somehow gave me a picture of how I should act and think as part of preparation of my future self.
Someday, I will become a mom. Being a mom is not easy as any single ladies would think. My mom knows that. I simply bluff, "Ma (Filipino way of saying mom), I wish to have a baby on my own." These are just simple words in my mind that pops out but I know that it is not that simple as I see it. Motherhood is entirely such a big sacrifice.
This photo above is a sweet and romantic one.
A pregnant woman is showing her big tummy with her husband. So cute! :)
Anyway, motherhood is such a big sacrifice. Apart from the fact that this is part of the consequences of the sins of our Biblical ancestors from Adam and Eve, however, it is also the sweetest phase of being a woman. This is where her important role in the society comes.
I am writing this blog to express what I have in mind these past few days.
I have been somehow surrounded by pregnant women in the house and in the community. Wherever I go, I could see more pregnant women as frequently as before. This somehow wonders me. Why? Is this such a call that I will be a mother soon? How this will work out? These are the matters that I consider before jumping to the act of motherhood.
1. Sexual pleasure.
I could say any woman loves to have sex. Well, it is the most pleasurable act made by God to recreate His children. Generation by generation. Yet, it is created positively to recreate and not just merely to express how great our bodies are, especially for lust. Merely for lust. No!
So, personally, I see sex as the most romantic activity with my husband. Thus, I am already 21 years old, but still I protected my V to any man. I am preparing my body to him only. Because of this, a lot of sexual invitations existed as I go along with this drive. A lot of them. Yet, I only see them as a test of will whether I will give in or not. I even have self-conflicts whether to experience it or not yet. But, with God's grace, I was able to surpass them. Until now, I am still a virgin and I am proud of it.
I know myself, that I am capable of doing it and even studied it for several times, but neither did I made any mistake of trying it to anyone. These things I offer to my one and only husband. Because sex for me, is a God-given gift for me and my husband to make a family, a very happy one. With him, me and our wonderful and beautiful kids. That's it.
2. Career compromised.
I am an ambitious woman I should say. Thus, I can do anything just to make my ambition turn out successfully. Upon having the condition of being pregnant, somehow, these plans I have in my mind will change a bit. It's like I am changing directions but still the plan to achieve what I want is still there.
What's my dream?
To be a successful professor in either art subject/s or writing class. Abroad.
I may not be able to achieve it the way I see it before, but, I am still determined to achieve it. No matter what happens in the future.
Being a career-driven woman at the same time a mom is not easy. But, with the help of my husband and our families, I know for sure, we can do it with positivism. With this, I really need a lot of wisdom from the Lord when it comes to things like these.
3. Stability.
Financially, I am not yet stable as of the moment. I am still unemployed, still going through the step-by-step process of getting there. It may take some time, but, with God's grace, I know for sure that I will be able to achieve it. Others may see motherhood in my age, as too young-to-be-a-mother, but, it's God's call. It's His call. As much as I wanted to, I really want to be stable, too, like my husband. It's like my hardwork from getting the university degree, diploma, etc. will be gone wasted if I will not pursue higher and somehow move forward. I don't care if I am already a mom, who cares?
4. Marriage.
It's better to be pregnant after the marriage. Not before it. Thus, personally, if my boyfriend is able to read this part, I hope he will. Because this is really crucial part. As much as possible, I will be pregnant after we will get married. Not, before it. I really want to welcome the baby when we are already legally accepted both by God and the laws of the land. Unlike the others who will get into marriage just because the girl was impregnated. I really don't like that idea.
I have been praying that it will not happen to me. Thus, with God's grace, I will be having a baby after the marriage. Marriage for me is really special. Apart from the fact, that it is one way to welcome the new member of the family, but also a celebration of love between two people.
Yes, I know that by the time, I will be 22 years old. Just months after I have my birthday, I will be married. Hence, as early as now, I am thinking of what will happen in the celebration proper. For me, marriage is really special. It's a once in a lifetime experience. That is why, I am always praying that there will be a man that God will give me to be with until the end. Not just a come-and-go type. Bu, forever.
Forever. Infinity. Eternity. Lifetime.
Meaningful words.
Yes, they are.
That is why, until now, I am praying for stronger relationship between us. I know he is not that religious, but I know he is really hoping that this will be bond we are both looking for.
We may have differences. A lot. But with acceptance, we are able to make positive relationship with each other.
I am emotional. He is not dramatic.
And others...
We have a lot of tied pasts. A lot. But with trust, we are able to hold on to each other although there are still people who are still clinging to us.
Thus, the entirety of motherhood, including some factors that will affect the mindset of the soon-to-be mothers is really complex and enjoyable, at the same time.
These are just my personal view of it. I may have change in view in the future when I will be a real mother. But, right now, I am still not. But soon, I will.
Author's Notes:
Based from my own experiences, this is the first time that I have been to any relationships. I have never have a background on how to handle things. I just rely on myself and to my God. There are really times that I get down and I can't understand things right away such as dealing with the exes of my boyfriend and the pressures around me. As far as I have heard from him, he really wants to have a baby from me. And I do, too, since I will be the one who bear it from my own womb.
I really don't have any idea on how to deal with the pregnancy phase. I may look disfigured and ugly the time I become pregnant, but, hopefully, my future husband will not change his love for me just because the beautiful lady he is seeing everytime will be temporarily gone due to pregnancy.
I will bigger.
I will look fat.
I will be disfigured.
I always look stressed and in pain.
I will not be able to eat what I once loved.
I will not be able to dance a lot as I am doing now.
I will not be able to move the way I was.
I will suffer.
Pain.
Pain.
But, the sweetest pain I could ever imagine.
To my future-husband, I hope you will still love me even if I will not be sexy in your eyes anymore. :)
God bless you all the time. Don't worry, after giving birth, I will do more effort to regain my body you used to see. :)
To my future-baby, I hope you will enjoy your 9-month stay in my womb. I am looking forward to see you soon. You are an angel to me, and to your dad. I know it will take years for you to read this message but I know you will be able to read this blog for you, my child. To express that even if you are still not around, I am so happy to have you in my life.
***I acknowledge the owner of the photo since I don't own it. :)
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