"Calm After The Storm"

No matter how much I think that I am the most unfortunate person in the world just because I don't have everything my heart desires, yet, there are things that fill them onto these gaps that marked my whole individuality.

There are inevitable circumstances wherein the turn of events are unexpected. There are also times that you can predict them afterwards. However, almost majority of what I have experienced are otherwise.

It won't matter, I know, how much I see the world as ruthless as it could be, but these same things that revolved around me for some time now have been one of the most important things I possess. They may sound negative in everyone's eyes, but they are quite a strength for me.

I even seemed to have dual personality in this matter as I have perceived life in two different dimensions that affected that way I behave, too. On this side, I am the strong-willed woman, too independent whom everyone could really depend on. But that won't be the same for the opposite side. There is a portion of me that I can't easily leave behind. Or maybe, I can swallow the fact that I find it really hard to lose them.

In every storm, there is a sunny day thereafter. But the moment the storm comes, everything's too dark and cold. One may see it as a weakness and troublesome. But for me, in my case right now, instead of making it as one big weakness, why not use it as a strength to shield myself to this wild, wild world. Anyway, there would be sunny day coming in just a short span of time.

When somebody asks me to stop thinking over these things over and over again, I usually say, "I don't know" especially when they are asking me why I do so. Hurting myself, somewhat practicing masochism to seek pleasure and comfort. Just like what I did last night.

If I try to see the marks in my hand where I used a dead pen to strike my wrist, I just see the red spot. No wound, but deffo I feel discomfort [a bit]. I really don't understand myself why I do these stuff over and over again. I even ask Google about it and seek help through some itty-bitty information available in the world wide web.

Depression. Dysthemia. Chronic depression. Major depression. A lot of words are stated. But still confused what exactly this feeling is after some time, some years. I am not even sure when it all started.

A strong woman like with an independent sense and thinking to the world filled with deep mysteries and journeys, I am now trapped to this kind of situation where I needed support, love, comfort, care, to the extreme level from everyone.

If I would have been in the same situation around two years ago, maybe I have done my most stupid move. Suicide.

But because I have all the great people and my God with me giving me all their protection, love, and care, I wasn't and I cannot do it. I cannot take the path of taking my own life just because life has been that harsh to me since then. I will just take the fact in a different angle. Again, a source of inspiration and strength to where I am heading to.

These terrible experiences I am right now molded me to become one of the most inspiring persons amongst. Whenever I meet a friend, when they see me again, they immediately could remember how I inspired them in the last few years of being with me. They keep on thanking me for such great words I said to them. Right now, they are even beyond my level. They are now on the top spot. Earning higher than me. Living the dreams they ever desired.

Though they may seem to forget me now, but thinking how much  I have helped them and to where they are placed now, I will just be happy and contented to what I have contributed to their own lives.

Because of these little things, it would be stupid to take my esteem to decline just because of these people I have helped before. I made them. Now, should I be angry? Foolish.

In this moment, I am thinking about how I can dwell to my future with my future family with my future husband, whom I really love and adore. I am so proud of him. Why? There are tons of reasons. But the first thing is really sure, he is so, so, so, so patient with me in this. I can never look for somebody who could such like he does to me. He is one of the reasons why I keep on driving myself to be a strong woman with utmost positivism possessed.

With my own flaws and glitches, I accept myself as I am. Though it will take me more time to erase all of these bad feelings inside. God's time will tell and in His way. I am looking forward to it. May God bless me and the people around me especially my loved ones to keep us strong and alive with love, comfort, care, trust, encouragement, and above all faith.

Ad majorem dei Gloriam.



**I used the title "Calm After The Storm" by The Common Linnets. You can search the whole song through this links below

Song Text of "Calm After the Storm"
Official Video of the "Calm After The Storm"

Mecyll's Note #2

This is really funny. To think that I am making my blog like a diary entry. Seems like.
Well, anyway. This is my second note. From the first one, I talked about a bit of a sneak preview from the entire stuff I wish to write about.

**From here, I don't know what to write about. Pause.

Suffering. Let me talk about this. Forgetting this word sounded like I will get to seek a psychiatric help afterwards. I am asking myself several times, why do I have to suffer like this deeply. Living that kind of shitty life of a fairy tale built by the elder ones you look up to since birth. However, when the reality speaks of itself, I really cannot believe that what they have told me are all shit.

I may sound like a childish, immature woman right now, but experiencing this one several times makes me feel sick. All my life I believe that when I just have to do my best to claim my top spot will pave the way to my success in life. For my future. But it doesn't sound the same with my reality.

I am hurt. In different unique ways. Several times. Many times. A thousand times. I have no idea when it would end unless I kill myself. But I guess I don't have the right to give in as I don't have the power to take away my life unless God intends me to. However, slowly, if this continues, it might be true.

I already did attempted several times in years. In three different times and situations. Somehow, the half of me is saying that "Hey, you should not take your life. It's God's right. Only Him can take it in His own time and way." Yet, the other speaks a bit loud of doing it again.

I am so hurt where no one cares and understands. Because I fear to be judged, I chose to keep my stance in silence and keep these things within myself. I spoke up with several close ones, but neither of them yet to understand how I really do feel and think as of this moment.

I saw several coffins today, making me think about death. A lot of people standing around in grief. I wonder when these dead people were alive, were they around to listen to them? Maybe, otherwise. People live life in most regrets than gratitude anyway.

They will only feel the total regret if that someone dies. If that will be me, would everyone come to my coffin and cry? When I was alive, would they do? Did they even care to what I feel?

I guess I don't even have the right to have fun and express myself in my deepest thoughts. Unleashing them will be a hassle for everyone. I am naturally a jealous girl. Let's take that an example. Let's say, I will let them see that, I know for sure, they will prevent it by saying it stupid. So, before saying so, I often say, "disregard..."

I feel neglected. Worthless. Wearing my mask all time. So no one would see how extremely sad I am right now. But, is there anyone who would listen? No one. I always live to beg and swallow my pride. And even forget that I am still alive by killing myself step by step is the best way to keep everyone happy.

I envy those people with people who could really understand them and who will be really with them in times of need. Having someone you can really depend on. But in my case, I am usually independent. No one is actually there. I am used to it.

Well, anyway, I am trained to keep things under my control. So, keeping everything to myself is the best idea I could do. Right now, I am still keeping this extreme sadness.

Everything's mixed up. Everyone is getting their MAs, ranks, promotions. I am here waiting for not granted promises. Unemployed. Earning low. No savings.

What else could I think about? Others may think I am selfish to think about these things, but I guess I should just accept that the words "fun" and "enjoy" are not for me.

I did what I could possibly do to make other people happy. Sacrificed my wants and desires for life for what they seemed to prefer me to do. But neither I feel they did something back for me. Unfair, isn't it? Well, that's my life.

Mecyll's Note #1

I don't know where to start everything. I even don't know why I am writing right now after months of not doing so. Maybe, I just wanted to talk with someone but everyone's seems so busy with their own stuff. I don't want to intend to disrupt any of their of pre-planned activities for the entire day.

I just wanted to write to express everything -- I guess not yet, as of now, as my emotions are getting in its peak. Rushing and gushing through my system, which sometimes I cannot even fathom. Everyone's not noticing them, well, of course, they're just inside my system, so they will really won't notice unless they are not totally observant.

It has been weeks since I have this kind of depressing feeling. I don't even know why, to what probable cause this provoked. I guess it all started years ago, when I did attempted to cut my wrist and wished to die at any single moment back then.

During those times, I was in total procrastination. My self-proclaimed topnotch rank made everyone think that I am that willed, strong woman. However, deep inside I am a weakling, ugly duckling. So weak. Behind those prowess that everyone knows, is a baby crying so loud. Powerless.

My life seemed to be in riddles, which sometimes piss me off. Since most of the time, as intellectual as I am, I can't figure out what makes every thing work -- especially those things that revolve around me. From every single speck of doing, I don't even know why I am doing those things.

My entire life sounded like a total ridicule. Stupid. Fated to be in total chaos. It really sounded like that. If I tell everyone my real situation, no one would listen. Instead, they will even tell me that "Come on, it's already years back! Just forget them."

Yes, it sounded simple. But no one really understands how I really do feel about it. Yeah, it is really as simple as like that. I could just forget things unnecessary. But you know, when it remains unsolved, it will always come back over and over again.

Until now, I still do feel it. I feel like I am in total darkness where no one listens. There would be one, I don't know if they really do. All this time, I feel I am in the room alone. Alone in this dark room where no one cares.

Actually, I don't understand myself. Sometimes, I just think that maybe this is out of my extreme moodiness or whatever. However, at most times, I am depressed.

I just cry all over. Repeatedly especially when I am in the comfort room. As the name says, "comfort." Hoping that by stepping to it, I will feel comfort. But actually not. It's just the same shit and lame.

I don't know how to express things except crying, crying, crying. Hoping somebody would understand how I really do feel right now. For weeks.

I don't want to seek death at the end. Maybe it is not the answer to these. Hope someone would help me ease all these.

After University Life: Nostalgia After Two Years, What Have I Learned?

After two years since I graduated in college, I got my yearbook, my graduation photos, and all those stuff included in the almost 4k package (requirement to graduate actually). I got my yearbook first months ago, and yesterday, my photos in pack that came with a mug and a sort of flag or whatever in cardboard. Well, I am not talking much about these things. My experiences were then seemed like a nostalgia for me.

I went to the university [campus] once again for several times since months. But, every time I go in from the security, and take my footsteps in the hallway, I always remember several things that happened in this university after a long time. All the memories were recalled. Everything. From the bad to good student life were re-experienced once again.

Whenever I hear the laughter in groups, I remember how my life was as a student. Behind these laughter were big struggles earning higher grades from Nazi professors. This is really true especially to those scholars alike. I was a scholar. So, I really know how it feels like to do much sacrifices in order to impress every class instructor to get good grades [to maintain the scholarship].

Love. Another thing to remember. A cool thing about it is whenever I experience downs before, I always go to the chapel. And there in the pews, I silently cry. This is the only place where I could really express myself freely away from the people. Seriously, I don't want other people to see me crying. Because for me, crying is a symbol of weakness. Well, that was before, when I used to wear the best mask of pretense.

I closed my eyes in the pews once again after two years. Amid silence, I could still clearly remember what I prayed in front of the cross. "Lord, why do I have to experience this kind of pain? Would there be a man who would treat me like a queen or at least, a woman? Would there be a big possibility a man would love me and accept for who I am and willing to accept my flaws and downfalls? Would there be a man to exist who would really love me deeper than the Pacific?"

During that time, I just hear silence. I cried once again as I recall it. Because although I am in the same pew where I sat two years ago, there I was again, in teary-eyes, I said my prayer, "Lord, thank you for giving me such a man who would do everything for me. A man who would really love me for who I am and a man who would respect me and accept my whole love for him. A man who would really love me back and will never let me fall down and left behind. He may be stupid, I would be more stupid to let him go."

It sounds romantic. Yes, it is. Lesson learned here. Wait.
I have to wait for to years to know him. I felt my terrible heartache in 2012, and fell in love again in two years time. 2014 for me is the best year.

I learned to love. Above all, I learned to trust again and to commit. I played men before. Now, my views have changed.

Wait. Right now, I am waiting again. When would I able to meet him in person?
When would I be with him and stay with him? When would I be able to help him in his plans for us? When?

I will wait. Best things come in God's timing.

How To Explore More For Your Self-Discovery: Ways to Make it Possible

Self-discovery comes along in a very unexpected manner. Nothing about life has been more interesting except when something unplanned just happens to you. This same thing also becomes a channel to the pathway where you did not expect that it will go along like that.

This seems weird for you if you try to think about it. But then again, life is filled with several possibilities and opportunities that no one expects they are going to occur at least once in your life. You ever wanted to be this, but that other one happens. It may have resulted to a heavy drama of yours but surely if you just try to embrace these changes, it will surely come out so fruitful and joyful all throughout the years.

Personally, I have never expected that being an artist will become something that I will become passionate about. However, I have already loved sketching anything in my piece of paper. Since I was a young girl, I really love to draw and draw and draw. Everyone in the family knows that. But because of the heavy demands of academic achievement in the family, I chose to forget that passion and drove myself to something else. Because this is what I should do and not wasting my time for something I cannot benefit from it.

That was my kind of thinking since years then. That continued until I graduated in college. Albeit the fact that I have not received flying colors when I finished my studies at 20 years old, still I did make a lot of achievements for the last 16 years of focused study. Yes, I did what the society wanted me to do and achieve. Absolutely, I felt really good. Then, the usual, as a fresh graduate, I needed to have a job. So, I applied to a lot of jobs both online and office. I gathered around 50 resumes, but still no work.

Depressing times of my life came, until I landed to a small school and taught there for a year. There, my field of expertise, the talking, the teaching, the drawing, and all those stuffs that I am required to do were all set and challenged. But then, though I have already thought about achieving all of these things after 23 years of my life, as I looked backwards, there still something lacking.

Yes, I did forgot my passion. Arts.

Currently, I am working as an online Game content writer in one of big websites, part-time. So, I have enough time to do stuffs that I needed to do and earn at home while doing the artistic stuff that I ever love to do.

Through the help of my family and my ever-supportive boyfriend, I was able to re-define myself more and more each day. Amid the doubts that covered my whole self about my capacity of doing it, I have never thought that being in love with my passion is something that I could also earn, too.

Just some months ago, I started to try making journals the first time. It was hard. I watched tons of tutorial videos via YouTube and learned itty-bitty of their methods of making them every day. While doing so, it required so much patience from me. And because it was my first time, I still did not know the measurements and whatever needed for such estimation needed for each of the journals I made. But still, they looked good.

I tried selling them piece by piece. I was still doubtful if I could really able to sell them. Yet, with the help of my sister, I was able to make several pieces of journals every day and sold them to her friends and classmates at school. All of their feedback are more of "Nice, cute, make more." These words really sparked me much more. Even my family loved them much, although they doubted my ability to be the next Hallmark and Sterling in the future for me. My boyfriend, who was also an artist himself loved what I make [not because he loves me, but objectively assessed].

Because of these remarks, I continue to make more and more and more journals. Later on, I created them label to acknowledge my work. "La Simero." This is the sample business name that my sister used for her projects. Then I used it for my journals and online selling.

Slowly, I am able to sell them. The kind of determination and persistence were reaped and all the efforts I did to every speck of the details of these journals are made with love and passion. This is something that I really loved to do.

As the day passes by, I already think about exploring more about my artistic capacities and think about of that particular thing that I forgot during the last years. Arts. And I will go back to it again. This is my road to a new self-discovery.

For those who are interested to have a look for my journals made, you can see me though the following

Facebook: La Simero journals
Twitter: @Lasimero
Tumblr: LaSimeroHandmade

Contact me through:
Blog: This blog. Leave a comment or message
Email: lasimerohandmade@gmail.com

To have a look of the first set of videos that I have watched for my journal making, you can search Sea Lemon's official YouTube page through these links below:

How To Make A Sketchbook: Coptic Stitch
How To Bind Single Sheets: Bookbinding Tutorial
Perfect Binding Tutorial

Have fun to an artistic self-discovery, folks!

How to Overcome Competitive Nature: 5 Easy-to-Remember Steps Unveiled

Amid this much competitive world, everyone is required to cope with their every day routines, stresses, requirements, and so on which the usual corporate demands. As an outcome, the most noticed is by having the attitude of competition is now a norm. As being competitive is now being taught to young kids.

I was a kid, ten years ago. I graduated in grade school with flying colors. How? Because my mom forced me to. Personally, I don't know much why I should do, but in order to please them, I should do what they wish me to do.

So, I did. I competed, I forced myself to gauge my entire childhood to my studies. Proof? Limited time to play with my friends, to stay and to talk with them, sharing funny thoughts and even to enjoy the laughing part with them.

My mom always told me, "These friends of yours will not be with you when you go down. So, don't waste your time being with them."

I can't forget that.

Why could I? If I can clearly recall how I exactly felt when my friends are enjoying their games, laughing out loud out of total joy, while I was kept in "dungeon" locked inside the house. All I could do is to see them happy through my locked doors and closed windows.

I cried. Yes, out of pain. An excruciating pain I couldn't even forget until now.

Afterwards, with all these sacrifices, I did graduate with honors, medals, and stood up in front of my classmates, friends, parents, school administrators, as well as my teachers while giving my first speech during my graduation day. It was memorable. At least.

I thought it would stop. But as far as I could remember, my mom told me, "You should be the valedictorian in grade school," which I sadly didn't make it happen. I even hesitated to tell her that I really can't make it since my classmates were really that good.

So, I tried to make it possible during my high school. I did my best. All perfect scores. Earned lots of medals, certificates of honors, fame, power, and above all my name was totally established in the school.

I did the same thing as I did in grade school. But this time, I was the class valedictorian. Finally, I was able to make it. But, I asked myself this time -- once again -- Why?

When I got to college and graduated with no Latin honors as I expected. With just 0.18 lack from my general average, I wasn't able to reach the required from the university, I felt totally sad.

Being an achiever, to have nothing at this very moment, is something terrible, and what's worse, I felt I like to jump in a 10-storey building.

What is really sad about how I feel, which is until now, I still do feel it, is I can't get rid of my competitive nature. This has been sickening me, too, for a while.

In everything I do, to anyone I work with, to someone I relate to, to everyone, I feel all time the same competition installed in my system. In order to cope with this negative feeling, I tried to figure out how could I overcome this innate nature.

As I searched, I figured out that I need to do these 5 easy-to-remember steps in my everyday routine - which I could share to every reader:

1. Make it a drive to motivate yourself.
Since this is already innate, you can't stop it. But when you say you wanted to stop it, it doesn't mean that you can't control it. You can! It's just a matter of choice to stay motivated through your competitive nature or not.

2. Make other people your inspiration, not a tool for comparison.
Everyone's unique. This is an overused adage to describe humanity. Yet, sometimes, it's hard to absorb especially for those who are living life with a rush race. But, instead of making others your destruction, make them your inspiration.

For example, your co-worker has a promotion. Instead of grumbling, and getting depressed why you weren't chosen, try to identify why she has the promotion, and make it a drive to improve or to change strategy to get what she got.

3. Make yourself proud, in a good and gentle way.
How is this possible? By simply re-think your accomplishment done in your lifetime and then asked yourself then, how did I manage to make them? Do others achieve the same as I do? For sure, achievers achieve a lot of stuff in their lifetime.

4. Make some boosts to your hidden confidence, and show them off!
At times, the culprit behind the negative competitive nature is their hidden insecurity. This negative feeling usually resulted to negative competition. As a competitive woman myself, I can confidently say that I needed to boost my confidence to overcome this not-so-good competition [I felt].

5. Make your miserable life worse from negative competition.
Yes, you can dig your own grave yard. This is what other people could say to me. Because of being so negative when it comes to other people's achievements, such as promotions, etc. I usually feel down and stressed. The outcome? My editor noticed my mediocre outputs, etc. Simple as that.

The point here is, in order for a person to cope with his competitive nature is to change the way she thinks before stepping to another level of emotions which would create problems later on. These problems include pessimism, insecurities, negative competition, and etc.

Take these simple notes from a competitive woman like me, and let's see if these are good pieces of advice are good enough.

Feel free to give comments below. I appreciate them a lot! Thanks!

Love Boosters, Tips: 5 things couples take for granted

Love can be the most exciting, thrilling feeling anyone could ever feel. Thus, when a man meets his woman of his life, he wishes to do everything to make her his. On the other side, the woman does the same, too, in her most feminine way.

However, this kind of impression tends to low down especially when the couples are already in a stable relationship, where commitment was already acknowledged by the two. There are things that the couple shouldn't take for granted nor take too little. Or else, the relationship built together with hard work and passion, will just go to waste.

1. Forgetting the importance of appreciation.

Not at all times, the couple needs to appreciate every little thing the partner does. This would be a bit exaggerated. But it doesn't mean that the couple won't say their sincere appreciation to their partner to these little things they do. For example, if he had seen or heard you complaining about your writing job. Without saying anything, he buys a big load of notebooks for you. This needs appreciation, indeed.

2. Forgetting what's hurtful when said.

It doesn't literally mean that when the two different people are officially engaged, they can do things they wanted to their partners. If they did something bad, awful from their mistakes, one can't just do insult nor degrade them because of these petty things.

There may be problems to occur in the future, considered bigger, more serious and so on, but they shouldn't forget that your partner is a human, too, has feelings. They can be hurt from what you said. It's not meant to say that you can't just say something corrective to your partner, but one should keep in mind that when you say something like that, consider what angle you should say, in what manner, that he can accept without really feel disrespected nor degraded.

3. Not taking your partner seriously.

This can be the worst thing in a relationship, a big mistake anyone can do to their partners. In simple terms, why build a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't take you seriously?

4. Enclosing "self" fearing partner to dump them.

It's normal to feel a bit pressure to be yourself especially if you wish to keep the person you really, really like, or perhaps, you love [in a committed relationship]. However, if you can't be yourself, how do you expect your partner treat you?

I have this personal experience with fearing that my partner would leave me if he knows that I think this way and that way. Another instance was, when we had a small talk that ended in a very unexpected way. One was hurt, one felt guilty, which is really not right.

To enable one to establish a long-term relationship, or if one wishes to have it, always remember, the real person to belong with is the person who's able to be with you no matter how "jerk-ish" you are. If you know what I mean.

5. Leaving each other a calm, normal sex.

This may be the optional thing for couple, but in order to enhance status of relationship, one should be creative or both of them should be creative to think of new ways to drive each other in a steamy sex. Having the hottest sex is relative to showing how much you enjoyed, loved to make him/her feel how you love him/her -- in bed.

With these being said, one short tip for couples alike. In order to have a stable, long-term relationship with your partner, the couple should be able to show to his partner how "stability" while loving means through respect, care, and love.

Have a happy relationship! Wish you the best! :)