Depression: A profound experience

Depression comes differently from each person. It differs with symptoms and occurrences depending upon the condition of the person. It is being often referred to describe to any form of sadness or hormonal changes. But, seriously, depression is severe than anyone could ever thought of. It cannot be dictated. It just comes due to several emotional breakdown experiences brought by inevitable circumstances. No one is safe even those persons with high intellect and wisdom. If it comes, it slowly damage you.

According to WikiHow.com, these are the common symptoms of depression:

1. Severe crying -- getting upset even just for the little things  or problems
2. Feeling hopelessness -- including being harsh to one's self
3. Feeling guilty -- resulting from over-thinking to what the others have said
4. Feeling upset for no reason -- "I don't know why I am sad. I just feel it."
5. Suffering from insomnia -- can't sleep properly at night or even disturbed 
6. Oversleeping -- still sleepy even though she has 8 hours sleep already
7. Cannot concentrate -- She cannot focus properly to things she usually does
8. High irritability -- Low tolerance to problems 

Helpguide.org also added some symptoms commonly spotted to those persons who suffer from depression or clinical depression which include:

1. Feeling hopeless and helplessness 
2. Cannot concentrate properly to previous tasks
3. Cannot control negative thoughts, no matter how much one could try
4. Appetite changes either binge eating or the other way around
5. Much more irritable, short-tempered and aggressive more than usual
6. Consuming more alcoholic drinks or doing such reckless behavior more than usual
7. Having thoughts of ending one's life (this is more serious)
8. Loss of interests to daily activities
9. Loss of energy to do things
10. Unexplained pains in the body -- this includes the back pains, stomach pains, and aching muscles 

Other than these terms, there are even worst situations just like relating depression and suicide. There are people who are unable to turn to people nor didn't made efforts to restore their selves may be able to think of ending their lives. Suicide. Hereunder are the enlisted symptoms of persons who are at risk of committing suicide which has to be noted properly and has to be taken seriously (Helpguide.org) :

1. Starting to talk about killing or harming one's self
2. Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped 
3. An unusual preoccupation with death and dying
4. Acting recklessly, e.g. speeding through red lights
5. Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
6. Getting affairs in order (e.g. giving away important stuffs)
7. Saying things like "It's really better if life is off me" or "It's really best when I am not around here"
8. A sudden switch from being extremely depressed to calm and happy
   

One has several reasons why they are getting depressed. According to the same site, I just read, there are the most common reasons why people tend to get depressed or even worse, choosing to end their lives:

1. Loneliness
2. Lack of social support
3. Recent stressful life experiences
4. Family history of depression
5. Marital or relationship problems
6. Financial strain
7. Early childhood abuse or trauma
8. Alcohol or drug abuse
9. Unemployment or underemployment
10. Health problems or chronic pain 

These are just among of the things commonly spotted to persons who are really in depression phase in accord to the two sites I just read. Hope this helps.

Author's Notes:
The reason why I blog this is for my own purpose. As such, I intentionally read two sites regarding the common notions about depression and how depression is really defined in medical terms. Aside from that, I also read several articles about counteracting to depression which will be for the next blog. Yes, this blog is for me to really answer my questions I have in mind. To inform you, I have all the symptoms of depression and some in suicide. But, I should say in the suicide part, it's only half of it, I shall say. Only the lightest parts. But the rest of the depression symptoms indicated here are all manifested in my behavior.

Thus, this blog is a sort of hitting of two birds with one stone since I am hitting two groups of people who are nearly vulnerable and relative to this phase of life. First, I am informing people who are able to read this blog and second, to inform myself of my condition. From this blog, I just realized that I am not in the most exciting part of my life, and even nearly a deadly one. I am really depressed.

If you are going to ask me why, just look at the part where I stated the possible reasons of depression. You can read them there.

It's been weeks when I experience this one. Now, it's getting more aggressive than the usual occurrence. Just yesterday, I just drank 13 pills. How could any normal woman ever think of taking so much meds in one day? You can just think of two things. Maybe she's insane or maybe she's DEPRESSED.

Depression for me, is a profound experience. Help me. Pray for me. Hope I can handle this. :(

Masochism: Hideously pleasant experience

Stay upright.
Stay gorgeous and hot.
Stay beautiful in any angle.
Stay intelligent as much as possible.
Stay awesome.
Stay with cool career.
Stay powerful.
Stay ambitious.
Stay hidden.
Stay insecure.
Stay private.
Stay freaky.
Stay masochist.
Stay what?

As much as people will see the goodness in me and how they praise me for something I did that for them is so great, that only a few could ever do. Things that only selected people can make them possible. As such, power and fame could really conquer one's secrets. I shall say, override the darkest sides, which I really hide as much as possible.

Masochism.

According to Wikipedia.com, masochism is an act of gratifying one's self by hurting self to any means. It may come either sexual or not as long as the factor of enjoying the pain is much noticeable from the person. It's much more of enjoying pain.

I don't know the concrete reason why I am writing this blog with this topic. Maybe, it's because I wanted to record the events that will somehow turn out to masochism. Why? I somehow like the feeling of getting pain from anything. These past experiences will tell me why.

1. Scratching my arm skin with a nail pusher

Last 2008, I was deeply hurt by too much pressure. Pressure of being on top of the game all the time. I was really in competition to myself whether I could really make it to the top spot of the batch. Well, you know, Class Valedictorian. I like to be praised with my abilities and so on and for making it there, but I really hate the pressure of people around me especially my family per se. I guess all of them are telling me, "You know, you are the only one who will reach the top spot from the family clan. So, grab that chance. Use your brains." I really could remember my mother telling me those words just months before the graduation.

So, I am really an obedient daughter, so I really did my best shot in everything. However, upon making the process of reaching it, there are a lot of factors why it's tough. Well, here comes this classmate who was also trying her best to give the best shot to reach my level. And, what is worse is that my teachers are really liking her. But, I didn't mind. I still make it sure that I really have A++ grades in everything. From exams, quizzes, etc. So, yes, I was announced to be the class valedictorian. But, the process is really hard. There was one time that the gold medal which was supposed to be mine was really given to the other one. So, I was really depressed. But, still I was the class Valedictorian. But, there were anomalies and I really fought for it.

So, to make this tale short, I was not able to take the pressure, because first, it's hard to maintain the top spot and second, it's hard to resist from sexual temptation.

At that time, my classmates are already inviting me to join their club. I really insist that I don't want to do it. But then, in the middle of the process, it's getting lose. So, I tried to hit on someone. But, then, I realized that it's not a good thing because he was just using me to prove to his pals that he made the top 1 of the graduating class, the very tough one, fall in love with him or somehow liking him, with his adorable moves.

I guess, at that time, I was too pressured, so, I got myself a chance to be alone and got myself a nail pusher and start to doodle in my arm. I wrote the word "LOVE". As far as I could remember, that was the word that I really didn't understand. I really ask myself whether people are just loving me or telling me that they love me just because they have something to get from me just like my intelligence and fame. Something like that. LOVE.

Somehow, it looks like in this photo but it's just deeper and it's written with the word "LOVE".  

 Photo credits: Google.com.ph

 2. Attempt to cut my wrist 

Last 2012, I did something worse again. I just tried to cut my wrist. On my left hand, where the main vein is present. So, imagine, if I did cut my left wrist, maybe, I'm already cold in the grave now. So, thank God I'm still alive. 

As far as I could remember, 2011-2012 was the most obnoxious years of my life. It was the time that my heart was totally broken because of some reasons. First, I was rejected by the man I loved since I was first year in college, since 2009. I confessed my feelings to him but, he denied it by 2012. Telling the whole bunch of stories around it will take this blog too long. So, just a glimpse of it, it's like you're being left behind with so much expectations because of the way he shows you. He really acted as if he has the comfy, liking me feeling. He started to act like that 2010. So, my adoration to him went deeper and later, it formed to love. I really was totally hurt when he denied that. Just imagine, I was into him and only him during my entire college years. Almost. Second reason, I was in the list that I almost lost my scholarship. Actually, this was because I was too affected by the first reason. I fell in love with someone who can't love me back so, everything sucked up. From my grades, to my performance in the student government office. Everything. Hence, because of that, I really thought of killing myself. I don't know, but as far as I could remember, after the fearful rejection from this man, this made my whole life in trouble. 

First, I played boys. I fool them around. I reaped them. I took advantage of them. I was totally insane. Second, I suffered from my almost-gone scholarship. Third, my chance of getting a cum laude was then blurry. 

So, what I did is I got something sharp and cut my wrist. But, I really don't know what exactly happened, but it's just that I think somebody had stopped me from doing that. So, I really stopped. I don't know. Then, I just realized that it was already painful and all. So, I tried to cover it with a bracelet. So, it was totally painful. Imagine a fresh wound covered with something. I just secretly put some ointment on it just to ease the pain and heal it faster. I thought I was the only who knew about it but then Clifford, the student assistant of the student activities office, which was the organizer of the leadership camp, saw it. I approached him to put some plaster and all just to cover it because of the water games. So, he was the only one who knew about it. 

 The wound is looking like this photo below. 

Photo credits: http://thestoryofmywrists.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/scar.jpg

3. Punching the walls, floors

Just this Friday, June 13, 2014, I punched the walls and floors because of several reasons. But, what was exactly the major thing there was I was just getting too emotional to think that anyone who could will know it will really think I'm too stupid to do that. First reason, I just missed my boyfriend that much because of lesser quality time now. I know it's really because of work but, it's deeper than that. It was more of being unfair of some things. Well, you know, effort. With that, it really required me a lot of barrels of understanding and patience until it reached the point that I wasn't able to take the pain inside me and as such, I need to release it. So, I punched the walls, the floors. Second reason, I really feel that I get slapped with my own face. Why? Because I was a career woman. At first, it was cool to know that I will stay at home and rest from too much working, too much teaching, too much stress. It was really at the beginning. But then, it turned out that he was the one working that much and now, I'm at home. I really realized that it's really hard to be a housewife especially that you're a career woman at first. In my case, I really was workaholic. With that, it will make me sick if I just stay at home doing nothing. So, this time, it's really a big and a tough challenge to do. You know, it's really different than before, which makes it more boring but at the same time, exciting. Ironic, isn't it? Yeah, but I just want to emphasize that what I really just thought of is just the present and not of the future. This time, right after punching the walls, and suffering my weekends from this swollen hand, I somehow able to understand things. 

What I just felt is just an insane desperation of attention. I'm naturally an attention-seeker. But then, somehow, I'm left alone in the house. My parents are working and now my sister, who was always here with me, now at school and in college. My boyfriend is at work now. So, literally, I was left in the dark. It was really completely irritating. I'm alone. 

So, that was it, I really was left with the choice of releasing this pain inside rather than slowly it will kill me step by step. As a result, I have a swollen hand from too much punching. But, still, I'm really so cool with acting so my parents didn't notice that except my sister who was really an insane observant. 

 My right hand was somehow looking like this. 

 Photo credits: http://www.handsurgerysingapore.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/swollen_hands.jpg

 With these sets of experiences, I really have to record these things and try to avoid early symptoms of masochism. For real. With these, I really hope that the people around me will help me with these behavior disorder because I know it's not good. My boyfriend really told me that I have to stop this kind of behavior. But, for me, it's not easy especially that it has been with me all these years. He even told me, that he will be making a stress debriefing baseball bat or something out of wood so, I will just release every tension in my body just by smashing the walls with the baseball bat and not my hand. 

So, well, that's why I often asked him, "Schatz, do you really know how to handle me?" And he always says "Yes" 

Well, this is another part of me for him to handle. But at least, we somehow discuss it several times and really letting him understand my past experiences. But this, masochism thing is a bit fresh to him. So, this blog will help him understand this side of me. 

Schatz, don't worry, I will cope this disruptive behavior. Help me. :)

Author's Notes:

Masochism, at its early stages should be discussed well with partners or with the family. So, they could understand your situation. In my case, only my sister knows about it and my boyfriend. But, my parents don't know about this, really. Because whenever I'm with them, I have to make sure I'm alright and stable. So, only my sister and my boyfriend are the ones whom I can share most of my emotions. But then, it is quite miserable because they are now absent and busy with things. 

Anyway,  anything could get worse, ask help or start to talk to anyone you trusted the most to secure help from them. Because if we will just let this problem pass through, it will just affect our way of thinking and in the worst side, our future especially when we already own a family. It's not a good way that our future kids will see us in this scenario. 

Let's pray for each other so we can help each other hand in hand. So, we'll get through this tough challenge. Amen. 

Tschüß!

Pre-wedding thoughts

Just this afternoon, I was encoding both of my affidavit of parental advice and parental consent to marriage as part of my requirements for the civil wedding with my German boyfriend.

Excuse me? Did I just say wedding?

Yeah, I will be married. As young as I am, I will be.

As a great thinker and as straightforward as I am, a lot of things in logical reasoning are popping out in my head right now. Why?

1. Because I am a wedding hater.
Even years ago, I attended the weddings of my cousins, and all of them are sick. Why? It's either they got married just because they are already pregnant or they made their girlfriends pregnant in an instant  (like those in the factories).

2. Because I am dumbass.
Although I am a bitch, both spoken and written. BITCH as in Beautifully Intelligent To be Caught by Heart, I always shoo away suitors but, ironically, I fall in love without hesitance and doubts. Yes, I do fall in love so fast that it doesn't even need another night for me to realize that I have fallen in love. But when I do fall, it's eternal. So as much as possible, the man should be the right one. Yet, there are really circumstances that doesn't coincide with my desires. So, I fell in love and still left broken.

So, with that, I promised not to let these men get in my heart. To be honest, I played with them. Fooled them around. So, with fierce seduction, I was able to get men with my hook. But, after doing so, I find these things not enjoyable. Thus, it made me so numb to let my current boyfriend get in to my heart before he did caught my heart. Well, he is too persistent and too confident to really get in. He was totally challenged, I guess. So, that was it.

3. Because I am too young.
That thought of getting married at 22, is too young for a career woman like me. But, that was before I met him. I have read a lot of articles that marrying in an early age can have a high risk of divorce. So, that also scared me. It's because, we might not know what will happen in the future. Well, this thought is to pessimistic.

On the brighter side, it's my personal decision to override my pessimism with optimism. It's my personal decision to get married at 22. It's my personal decision to spend with my boyfriend for the rest of my life no matter what happens in the future. It's all my decision. In fact, even my grandmother married my grandfather at the age 22, too, my aunt at around 20 or 21, and my grandaunt, at 13. See? Seems like I am enlisting myself to family tradition.  

4. Because my freedom will be at stake.
I am so independent that my parents really hate about me. Even my circle of friends and even my bosses, they hate me so much because they really don't know what's going on just because I don't tell them of what I am currently been doing. It's because I am too confident to finish all these tasks without letting them know. I am the type of person who doesn't inform others about what I am actually doing. Giving updates is my weakness. I am kinda private, secretive type of person in this sense. When I have plans, I just face them myself and when problems arises, people will just notice me so problematic that they don't even know what I am been stressing out. They will just know if they will force me to. But, if they don't, I won't tell them.

This kind of freedom-seeker attitude that I have will be changed when I get married. Klar, I am married. The two of us will really help each other to face each problems and together, solve these problems. TOGETHER. NOT ALONE. TOGETHER. TOGETHER.

So, I am really aware of this part. My freedom in this sense will change dramatically. With God's grace, it will be aided by my husband-to-be.

Author's Notes (for my boyfriend):

Dear Schatz, 

I know you did observe my behavior for the past months and how they change dramatically. They actually change from time to time. So, I know there are times that I don't tell you of my problems. So, I am really thankful that you have been so patient with me, dear. Thank you for being with me until this day. I will not dare lose you, Schatz.  Nothing will hinder my love for you. It's so strong. It can flush the shit away from the toilet. :P 

Seriously, Schatz, you know that I am still young and you know that I still have a lot to do. So, please don't make a cage for me in the future. Just support me just like the way you are doing now. We will support each other. I will support your endeavors and you, too, for mine. 

In totality, Schatz, thank you a lot. Vielen dank! I love you so much, Schatz. 

Sincerely,

Messy Mes. :D

 
     
 

Spreche Deutsch: On the spot!

Well, I have practiced a lot of German since March. Even in front of my students, I am studying it while they are busy with their class work. Thanks to my German boyfriend who supported me along the way. :)

Just this May 31, a surprising event just turned my brain cells really much functional. I should say, all my nerves are activated that time. What just happened?

Well, the ex-wife of my boyfriend, Claudia, was just chatting me with their 4 1/2 year old daughter, Annika. All German. Pak! Wapak! Just literally like the sounds of the whipping kicks and punches of Bruce Lee in his old movies, I felt my ears are in big boom.

Sweating. Gasping. Sighing.

In an instant, my ever-bitchy attitude and friendly atmosphere, instantly gone off an instant. Well, still, I was trying to maintain my posture and image in front of these people, well, they are just 3 Germans in front of my screen. Really lol.

This is the real-time captured image via Skype during our conversation last May 31, 2014.

There are a lot in my mind during that time. Literally, a lot. 

Even right now, when I come to think of it. It's a lot to tell. 

So, let me first digest them. One by one. 

1. My German speaking skills. 

That was really tested during that time, especially that Annika was there. So, I was really trying my best that they will be able to understand me with my German. Even though, I know I am not yet good at it. But, I did tried to speak their language. 

However, they are real Germans. So, it's just common sense to think that they are speaking their language. So, stupid if they can't. Well, yeah, it's their language. I was afraid that they will laugh at me if I speak it the wrong way. So, I was really careful. 

2. She is the ex-wife. 

The odd feeling of facing the ex of my boyfriend via Skype (just temporarily, next time in person), is really dominant in me during that time. Whoa! I am now facing her. What a chance to see her. The mother of Annika. Cool. 

Getting to know her, is really cool. Apart from the idea that I got to have German friends, she is nice and friendly to me, so I'm really fine with her. 

3.  The presence of Annika. 

She is totally adorable. I really like her. She is really pretty. That is why, I am really astonished whenever I got to see her. And because of that, I chose her to be the wallpaper of the desktop of the laptop now. :)

Her face is making me feel relaxed so that's why, I'm really looking forward to see her. Well, unlike any other stepmothers created by the image of Disney (Cinderella story, etc) I will be nice to her, of course, and treat her as my own child, too. So, my boyfriend, will never have any problems to my relationship to her. Come to think of it, I will be her English teacher for free! hahahaha! :) 

In sum, although that was a bit terrifying experience for me to speak German on the spot. At least, my level of German fluency was tested. Now, I am looking for more experiences with German conversations. Apart from my chunky German convo with my boyfriend now, it's good to meet and to get close to his family and friends through learning their own language apart from speaking English and well, of course, non-Visayan. 

Das ist alles. Tschuss!

 

Self-respect. Self-control. Self-acceptance.

I have come to realize that there is so much more than any opportunity that comes along the way to make my eyes open so wide about myself. What I mean is, the way I should see myself the way I should have even before this movie made me realize about it.

This afternoon, I just come to notice about this film "Educating Julie (1984)", which revolves around the timid and demure Julie Potter, a college student, assigned to do research about "Nudity in the 1980s".

 Movie poster

A scene in the film with Julie and her boyfriend, Steve.

With this film that I just watched, I learned something with these three powerful words. Self-respect. Self-control. Self-acceptance. 

Self-respect.

As the society defines it, self-respect is a value that is determined by each person's manner of giving morale and giving much more importance on abiding to norms of the society than the taboos. It is also defined as giving self a proper esteem as well as giving self the dignity it deserves. Society may define self-respect in varied ways but the point here is, all of us needs to have this individually to clearly define self and the way we are unique with one another. Another way of giving such self-respect is to reach potentials that we never knew we can. 

 I have never emphasized this thought before. I knew what I can do but I failed to recognize it because of my fear to whatever people may think of me when I do it. It took me a lot of years to face it that even until now, I still have such fear inside me that I have always fought for. I know my capacities and my limitations. They are somehow clear to me. But, this year, I want to make them clearer this time. I can't dare to waste another moment of my life to live life with such stupid fears anymore. I have to stand with my high black stilettos, heads up, breast out, stomach in, stunning physique. Just like this woman here.

 

With such great move on myself today, my drive to make something of myself and to test myself grew deeper. I know this will take me much time, but I know in the end, I'll reap it for good. 

Self-control.

The friend of my boyfriend's story behind his breakup with his Japanese chick made me think of this word. It is something that I should keep especially that my personality is really highly enthusiastic and highly active. Naturally, I am a Sagittarian plus I am born in the year of the monkey. According to Chinese zodiac, I am super active and my personality is really fiery. Thus, to keep balance, I am thankful that my boyfriend is having such calming nature that somehow helped me slow down a bit from my fast pacing attitude. I am always so driven that I forgot to focus on what I should do and I forgot to check on myself's natural way achieving things. Hence, I always end up in pain either by physical due to back pains or emotionally by harmful stresses.

Personally, anyone could be able to handle things positively, jovially, or warmly if they are able to practice self-control. The story behind my boyfriend's friend behind the terrible breakup just because he was not able to control his self from temptation to cheat and have sex with another girl and punched the girl's boyfriend. It was freaky but it's out of inability to control self. 

In my case, the control of tactlessness, emotional distresses,  and insensitivity really made me hard to be understood. Somehow, even myself. I can't have the consistent energy of positivity just because my negating attitude especially if I am out of control really kills me a lot of times. I am so thankful that my boyfriend and my family is able to live with it. With God's grace, I pray that my boyfriend will be able to accept it totally and live with it positively. 

Self-acceptance.

Despite the fact that I have all the impurities both by physical and emotional and even spiritual, still this movie helped me remind that I should be able to accept myself no matter what this body may look like and as well as my behavior towards other people. I didn't mean that I can be rude to others and such I can do all the stupidity anyone can think of. What I mean is that, I can act the way I want to act. I can say and think the way I wanted it. The way God made me. I should be able to respect this identity and my uniqueness. With that, I should stop telling myself that I am so ugly compared to others because I have my own unique stunning beauty that only I could ever possess. 

It is even defined as the person's ability to accept the flaws and to love self unconditionally. In other words, each one of us should be able to handle self regardless of the glitches that we have in our own bodies. Instead of judging it, learn to be proud of it and know more of its capacities and potentials. 

Igen, my boyfriend, has always told me that I am beautiful and I am not fat. But, I always do look fat. I can't recognize his praises about me. My sister Hann, always told me that my body is cute and small and she even told me that if she has my body in her height, she may be slim by now. However, I failed to see it myself. Until now. A lot of people have told me this and that about me.

I am beautiful.
I am sexy.
I am slim.
I am hot.

Yet, I still can't manage to see them in me.

With the movie I just saw, I realized that it's easy to accept self. Just look at myself in the mirror naked and see my real body. Without clothes. In that way, I will be able to see how will I really look like and my whole body as well. Inch by inch.

I have always done that. You know, seeing myself without clothes facing the mirror. Somehow, it helped me feel confident myself. I hope someday, I can walk in the roads never bothering much on how I look like. I just have to be myself. It's like, es tut mir egal.

Author's Notes:

We all have different views. Thus, I respect them. Well, this is my way of seeing things. These are based from my own set of values and beliefs. So, I also expect respect from you, also.

For my loved ones, my boyfriend and my family, I wish to extend my deepest gratitude for accepting me inside and outside. I may be stubborn and stupid, but you still love me unconditionally. With God's graces, may He bless you with that. Thank you so much. Dankeschön!

**I deem acknowledge the owners of the photos included in this blog. I don't own them personally.    

Überhaupt, tschüss Leute! Bis bald!

What the hell am I doing?

It sounds like I am so into having a baby.
Yes, I am sounding just like that.
For real.

Just today, I was able to have a long talk with the girlfriend of my cousin. It was the longest I should say. Actually, we were talking about several experiences that she had when she has experienced sex the first time and now, first time being a mother. Right now, she is in the 2nd turning 3rd month pregnant this month. Well, she seems excited. Well, the both of them. They are both excited to how their baby would look like.

I was just listening to her and somehow interacted. A bit.
I was just noticing myself, staring at her tummy.

I touched mine, too.
Seems like I also feel that I am having a baby on my own.
Actually, everyone is expecting a baby from me, anyway. 

It's just that these several days that passed, I have always thought of being pregnant more frequent than before. Several times, I touched my tummy. Several times, I watched pregnant women photos. Several times, I am watching her tummy. So weird.

However, I have told my boyfriend about it. At my young age, it's weird to feel like that especially at this level, with my status, I should have pursued higher degrees or worked as a natural career woman. But, this has not been the case. I have undergone the stage where I have to take the path of having a family first before doing so. But, this is not the thing I will be emphasizing about. It's about the pregnancy state.

I have been known by anyone who hates babies. I hate everything about them. From their loud cries to annoying laughter and stressful rearing. But, it's just so weird that a career woman like me, whom everyone expected to achieve a lot after obtaining the university degree, already thinking to have a baby with my young age. At 21, yes, I am really loving now the idea to have a baby.

Before
Babies.
Stupid. Brat. Annoying. Loud. Stressful. Messy. CRAP!

Now
Babies.
Cute. Adorable. Loving. Relaxing. I WANT TO HAVE ONE, TOO! 

 
I really don't understand my feeling now. It's so weird. The entire thing about me having my own baby in my tummy is really weird. But, I think it's a signal that I will bear one.

Apart from the idea that I really wanted to have my baby, is that my boyfriend is wanting it, too. I don't know the exact things he wishes to say but, I know in his mind, he wanted me to bear his child from me. He even told me that he just think about our baby on how he looks like when they are born, before he sleeps. He even asked me to how our kids would look like with a German-Filipina decent. He is even excited to the idea.

That is why I am loving him so much.

Author's Notes:

We may have different experiences in life. This is just my personal view on it.
My motive is just to express deeply how I felt with being a mom.
It's really cute and lovely, when someone calls me, "Mama".
Aside from it, it would be so romantic if my husband will touch my tummy with the baby inside it. Kicking. Moving. Feeling every inch of me and her father. So touching.
Right now, I really don't know. I just put all the words from my mind so fresh that I didn't even cared if whatever I have written here are grammatically correct.
Crap that out! I am not an English teacher here. I am a soon-to-be mother.
I just want to express.

Psalm 139:14-15
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous--how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb."

As I have said in the previous blog, I stated my intentions to my husband-to-be and my future-baby.
Right now, I just want to cry.

Psalm 139: A cool reminder of being human

I am lady. Yes, I am.
I have always been adored and loved by everyone.
I have always been on top of everything.
I am always praised for anything I do.
As such, I always forget that I am also a human.
A human with emotions, constantly changing time by time.

Today, while reading the Bible in Psalms 139: 1-18, I am reminded that in this world, there are changes. Change is always been a constant companion. Two thousand years have gone since our Savior has died on the cross by cruelty of humankind, it seems that His message is irreplaceable and unchanging.

I am not really that religious per se. But, with His astonishing wisdom, I am always struck by them. These verses that I have just read somehow gave me a picture of how I should act and think as part of preparation of my future self.

Someday, I will become a mom. Being a mom is not easy as any single ladies would think. My mom knows that. I simply bluff, "Ma (Filipino way of saying mom), I wish to have a baby on my own." These are just simple words in my mind that pops out but I know that it is not that simple as I see it. Motherhood is entirely such a big sacrifice.

This photo above is a sweet and romantic one.
A pregnant woman is showing her big tummy with her husband. So cute! :)

Anyway, motherhood is such a big sacrifice. Apart from the fact that this is part of the consequences of the sins of our Biblical ancestors from Adam and Eve, however, it is also the sweetest phase of being a woman. This is where her important role in the society comes.

I am writing this blog to express what I have in mind these past few days.

I have been somehow surrounded by pregnant women in the house and in the community. Wherever I go, I could see more pregnant women as frequently as before. This somehow wonders me. Why? Is this such a call that I will be a mother soon? How this will work out? These are the matters that I consider before jumping to the act of motherhood.

1. Sexual pleasure.
I could say any woman loves to have sex. Well, it is the most pleasurable act made by God to recreate His children. Generation by generation. Yet, it is created positively to recreate and not just merely to express how great our bodies are, especially for lust. Merely for lust. No!

So, personally, I see sex as the most romantic activity with my husband. Thus, I am already 21 years old, but still I protected my V to any man. I am preparing my body to him only. Because of this, a lot of sexual invitations existed as I go along with this drive. A lot of them. Yet, I only see them as a test of will whether I will give in or not. I even have self-conflicts whether to experience it or not yet. But, with God's grace, I was able to surpass them. Until now, I am still a virgin and I am proud of it.

I know myself, that I am capable of doing it and even studied it for several times, but neither did I made any mistake of trying it to anyone. These things I offer to my one and only husband. Because sex for me, is a God-given gift for me and my husband to make a family, a very happy one. With him, me and our wonderful and beautiful kids. That's it.
 
2. Career compromised. 
I am an ambitious woman I should say. Thus, I can do anything just to make my ambition turn out successfully. Upon having the condition of being pregnant, somehow, these plans I have in my mind will change a bit. It's like I am changing directions but still the plan to achieve what I want is still there.

What's my dream?
To be a successful professor in either art subject/s or writing class. Abroad. 

I may not be able to achieve it the way I see it before, but, I am still determined to achieve it. No matter what happens in the future.

Being a career-driven woman at the same time a mom is not easy. But, with the help of my husband and our families, I know for sure, we can do it with positivism. With this, I really need a lot of wisdom from the Lord when it comes to things like these.

3. Stability.
Financially, I am not yet stable as of the moment. I am still unemployed, still going through the step-by-step process of getting there. It may take some time, but, with God's grace, I know for sure that I will be able to achieve it. Others may see motherhood in my age, as too young-to-be-a-mother, but, it's God's call. It's His call. As much as I wanted to, I really want to be stable, too, like my husband. It's like my hardwork from getting the university degree, diploma, etc. will be gone wasted if I will not pursue higher and somehow move forward. I don't care if I am already a mom, who cares?

4. Marriage.
It's better to be pregnant after the marriage. Not before it. Thus, personally, if my boyfriend is able to read this part, I hope he will. Because this is really crucial part. As much as possible, I will be pregnant after we will get married. Not, before it. I really want to welcome the baby when we are already legally accepted both by God and the laws of the land. Unlike the others who will get into marriage just because the girl was impregnated. I really don't like that idea.

I have been praying that it will not happen to me. Thus, with God's grace, I will be having a baby after the marriage. Marriage for me is really special. Apart from the fact, that it is one way to welcome the new member of the family, but also a celebration of love between two people.

Yes, I know that by the time, I will be 22 years old. Just months after I have my birthday, I will be married. Hence, as early as now, I am thinking of what will happen in the celebration proper. For me, marriage is really special. It's a once in a lifetime experience. That is why, I am always praying that there will be a man that God will give me to be with until the end. Not just a come-and-go type. Bu, forever.

Forever. Infinity. Eternity. Lifetime.
Meaningful words.
Yes, they are.
 

That is why, until now, I am praying for stronger relationship between us. I know he is not that religious, but I know he is really hoping that this will be bond we are both looking for.  

We may have differences. A lot. But with acceptance, we are able to make positive relationship with each other.

I am emotional. He is not dramatic.
And others...

We have a lot of tied pasts. A lot. But with trust, we are able to hold on to each other although there are still people who are still clinging to us.

Thus, the entirety of motherhood, including some factors that will affect the mindset of the soon-to-be mothers is really complex and enjoyable, at the same time. 

These are just my personal view of it. I may have change in view in the future when I will be a real mother. But, right now, I am still not. But soon, I will.

Author's Notes:

Based from my own experiences, this is the first time that I have been to any relationships. I have never have a background on how to handle things. I just rely on myself and to my God. There are really times that I get down and I can't understand things right away such as dealing with the exes of my boyfriend and the pressures around me. As far as I have heard from him, he really wants to have a baby from me. And I do, too, since I will be the one who bear it from my own womb.

I really don't have any idea on how to deal with the pregnancy phase. I may look disfigured and ugly the time I become pregnant, but, hopefully, my future husband will not change his love for me just because the beautiful lady he is seeing everytime will be temporarily gone due to pregnancy.

I will bigger.
I will look fat.
I will be disfigured.
I always look stressed and in pain.
I will not be able to eat what I once loved.
I will not be able to dance a lot as I am doing now.
I will not be able to move the way I was.
I will suffer.
Pain.
Pain.
But, the sweetest pain I could ever imagine.

To my future-husband, I hope you will still love me even if I will not be sexy in your eyes anymore. :)
God bless you all the time. Don't worry, after giving birth, I will do more effort to regain my body you used to see. :)

To my future-baby, I hope you will enjoy your 9-month stay in my womb. I am looking forward to see you soon. You are an angel to me, and to your dad. I know it will take years for you to read this message but I know you will be able to read this blog for you, my child. To express that even if you are still not around, I am so happy to have you in my life.

***I acknowledge the owner of the photo since I don't own it. :)