"Calm After The Storm"

No matter how much I think that I am the most unfortunate person in the world just because I don't have everything my heart desires, yet, there are things that fill them onto these gaps that marked my whole individuality.

There are inevitable circumstances wherein the turn of events are unexpected. There are also times that you can predict them afterwards. However, almost majority of what I have experienced are otherwise.

It won't matter, I know, how much I see the world as ruthless as it could be, but these same things that revolved around me for some time now have been one of the most important things I possess. They may sound negative in everyone's eyes, but they are quite a strength for me.

I even seemed to have dual personality in this matter as I have perceived life in two different dimensions that affected that way I behave, too. On this side, I am the strong-willed woman, too independent whom everyone could really depend on. But that won't be the same for the opposite side. There is a portion of me that I can't easily leave behind. Or maybe, I can swallow the fact that I find it really hard to lose them.

In every storm, there is a sunny day thereafter. But the moment the storm comes, everything's too dark and cold. One may see it as a weakness and troublesome. But for me, in my case right now, instead of making it as one big weakness, why not use it as a strength to shield myself to this wild, wild world. Anyway, there would be sunny day coming in just a short span of time.

When somebody asks me to stop thinking over these things over and over again, I usually say, "I don't know" especially when they are asking me why I do so. Hurting myself, somewhat practicing masochism to seek pleasure and comfort. Just like what I did last night.

If I try to see the marks in my hand where I used a dead pen to strike my wrist, I just see the red spot. No wound, but deffo I feel discomfort [a bit]. I really don't understand myself why I do these stuff over and over again. I even ask Google about it and seek help through some itty-bitty information available in the world wide web.

Depression. Dysthemia. Chronic depression. Major depression. A lot of words are stated. But still confused what exactly this feeling is after some time, some years. I am not even sure when it all started.

A strong woman like with an independent sense and thinking to the world filled with deep mysteries and journeys, I am now trapped to this kind of situation where I needed support, love, comfort, care, to the extreme level from everyone.

If I would have been in the same situation around two years ago, maybe I have done my most stupid move. Suicide.

But because I have all the great people and my God with me giving me all their protection, love, and care, I wasn't and I cannot do it. I cannot take the path of taking my own life just because life has been that harsh to me since then. I will just take the fact in a different angle. Again, a source of inspiration and strength to where I am heading to.

These terrible experiences I am right now molded me to become one of the most inspiring persons amongst. Whenever I meet a friend, when they see me again, they immediately could remember how I inspired them in the last few years of being with me. They keep on thanking me for such great words I said to them. Right now, they are even beyond my level. They are now on the top spot. Earning higher than me. Living the dreams they ever desired.

Though they may seem to forget me now, but thinking how much  I have helped them and to where they are placed now, I will just be happy and contented to what I have contributed to their own lives.

Because of these little things, it would be stupid to take my esteem to decline just because of these people I have helped before. I made them. Now, should I be angry? Foolish.

In this moment, I am thinking about how I can dwell to my future with my future family with my future husband, whom I really love and adore. I am so proud of him. Why? There are tons of reasons. But the first thing is really sure, he is so, so, so, so patient with me in this. I can never look for somebody who could such like he does to me. He is one of the reasons why I keep on driving myself to be a strong woman with utmost positivism possessed.

With my own flaws and glitches, I accept myself as I am. Though it will take me more time to erase all of these bad feelings inside. God's time will tell and in His way. I am looking forward to it. May God bless me and the people around me especially my loved ones to keep us strong and alive with love, comfort, care, trust, encouragement, and above all faith.

Ad majorem dei Gloriam.



**I used the title "Calm After The Storm" by The Common Linnets. You can search the whole song through this links below

Song Text of "Calm After the Storm"
Official Video of the "Calm After The Storm"