Mecyll's Note #1

I don't know where to start everything. I even don't know why I am writing right now after months of not doing so. Maybe, I just wanted to talk with someone but everyone's seems so busy with their own stuff. I don't want to intend to disrupt any of their of pre-planned activities for the entire day.

I just wanted to write to express everything -- I guess not yet, as of now, as my emotions are getting in its peak. Rushing and gushing through my system, which sometimes I cannot even fathom. Everyone's not noticing them, well, of course, they're just inside my system, so they will really won't notice unless they are not totally observant.

It has been weeks since I have this kind of depressing feeling. I don't even know why, to what probable cause this provoked. I guess it all started years ago, when I did attempted to cut my wrist and wished to die at any single moment back then.

During those times, I was in total procrastination. My self-proclaimed topnotch rank made everyone think that I am that willed, strong woman. However, deep inside I am a weakling, ugly duckling. So weak. Behind those prowess that everyone knows, is a baby crying so loud. Powerless.

My life seemed to be in riddles, which sometimes piss me off. Since most of the time, as intellectual as I am, I can't figure out what makes every thing work -- especially those things that revolve around me. From every single speck of doing, I don't even know why I am doing those things.

My entire life sounded like a total ridicule. Stupid. Fated to be in total chaos. It really sounded like that. If I tell everyone my real situation, no one would listen. Instead, they will even tell me that "Come on, it's already years back! Just forget them."

Yes, it sounded simple. But no one really understands how I really do feel about it. Yeah, it is really as simple as like that. I could just forget things unnecessary. But you know, when it remains unsolved, it will always come back over and over again.

Until now, I still do feel it. I feel like I am in total darkness where no one listens. There would be one, I don't know if they really do. All this time, I feel I am in the room alone. Alone in this dark room where no one cares.

Actually, I don't understand myself. Sometimes, I just think that maybe this is out of my extreme moodiness or whatever. However, at most times, I am depressed.

I just cry all over. Repeatedly especially when I am in the comfort room. As the name says, "comfort." Hoping that by stepping to it, I will feel comfort. But actually not. It's just the same shit and lame.

I don't know how to express things except crying, crying, crying. Hoping somebody would understand how I really do feel right now. For weeks.

I don't want to seek death at the end. Maybe it is not the answer to these. Hope someone would help me ease all these.