Feeling odd

It may not be quite normal for me to be so silent especially this past few days that I am always alone in the house. It may not be also quite normal for me to be so deep more often than the past years, reflecting on what I did. Above all, it may not be quite normal for me to forget a day about him.

I may not be able to understand things now. But, soon I will. Things running differently now compared from the past months. It came across to my mind when he started to work for the better future. And with that, I'll give him my sincerest applause. No man could ever do so much to me just like what he is doing. I may not be able to say that he is doing so well and so hard just to earn a buck to save all the time, but deep inside my heart, I duly acknowledge all of his efforts.

I don't know to what angle I should see to see the varied stories I could get from these experiences. It maybe the death-terrifying experiences of mine or the silence or maybe the distance that we should have. I should say, "space".

I don't know what he is up to now from days of not seeing him. No talking. No chatting. Just complete silence. I don't know what to think about. I don't know how is he by now.

I courageously talked to my mom about it and she told me a lot of advice about handling it. With all the things she said, only this strike up my mind. "Reserve something for yourself." After she having said that, it really made me a lot of thinking that until now, these words are still playing inside my head. Maybe, I just love him too much that I didn't made something for myself a reservation. Maybe, I have been too attached too him from everyday talking to him and I've been used to this system after several months of speaking to him ever single day since then.

Right now, it's a challenge for me to face the word: CHANGE.

This is consistent to this finite world I am living in. This word has been the only thing that people see and live with as they go along the waves of life. But for me, it's quite a big challenge to undertake. My mom said, "It's easy to go along with it." For me, it's not.

I hope he is able to read this blog right now. If he can't sign in to Skype for some personal reasons. I don't have any other means to communicate with him. Just a simple thought to keep for me.

No matter what he is doing right now though he didn't chatted me for two days in a row now, I wish him the best and success in these things. If he wishes space, it's fine. He has tons of work to do, so I just hope that he can finish all of these in due time. It's his right that I'll give him. I just want to say these things to him in bullets.

First, I really appreciate all his efforts he has done for his self and for us. He has done a lot than me. I'm just staying at home for months, left unproductive. Leaving him all these work. I'm really sorry for that part. Though I don't emphasize this much in most of our conversations, but, I just want him to think that I am just always here for him no matter what. He is the best man I could ever have. Darn it, he is the only man I will love. He has worked a lot. Kudos!

Second, I just realized how life changes. It's a big break for me. I know. For several years of rushing, now left several months of staying at home, left unproductive. It's tough. Really tough. From the start of everyday chatting, now nothing. It's leaving some heavy hearts for me. Reading no messages from Skype, so it's like I don't have anything to understand a thing here. So, just created some thoughts that maybe he's working or sleeping all day. I just tried to assume things out here now. Or maybe, he just wanted some space. I don't know.

Third, I just have to adjust. From a dramatic 70s love story of Jenny and Oliver of "Love Story (1970)" to Holly and Milo of "Holly's Holiday (2012)" with full of sarcasm and wit. In this way, it made me challenge the thought of forever. It's like I really realized, that it's not easy to make "forever" a reality. See, we are 11,497 miles apart and we are residing from exactly two sides of the world. So, seeing each other, adjusting schedules just to see each other is a tough thing for us. And as much as we wanted to be with each other, it's like, it's so tough to balance reality and the virtual romance.  

Setting aside these things, just a last thought. In general, I am just used to everyday chats. We talked a lot of things, laughed of so many things, shared a lot of things, cried and confessed a lot of things, even the most private matters are known to each other for these past few months. Every single night, way back when I was working, I never regret to stay up so late and slept in my classes just to see him. In his night time, I drenched up my chores just to see him. Well, these was when he was still staying a lot in the house. But, right now, I just thought of these things, just merely recalling all these memories we have back together. I just have to deal with the idea, that these things will never happen again. You know, several hours of chatting is too impossible. Chatting twice a day, is really tough, so tough for him to be consistent of. For me, it's cool since I am just staying at home. But for him, it's not because he is working. So, then again, I have to give him his space for that part.

In sum, it will all leave to the idea of understanding and patience. It's just up to me on how to deal with these things. But, this is my only condition for him. At least, leave me just a single message everyday so I won't worry too much. I love him. And so he does. I just missed him so much. Hope he does, too.

;'(

Depression: A profound experience

Depression comes differently from each person. It differs with symptoms and occurrences depending upon the condition of the person. It is being often referred to describe to any form of sadness or hormonal changes. But, seriously, depression is severe than anyone could ever thought of. It cannot be dictated. It just comes due to several emotional breakdown experiences brought by inevitable circumstances. No one is safe even those persons with high intellect and wisdom. If it comes, it slowly damage you.

According to WikiHow.com, these are the common symptoms of depression:

1. Severe crying -- getting upset even just for the little things  or problems
2. Feeling hopelessness -- including being harsh to one's self
3. Feeling guilty -- resulting from over-thinking to what the others have said
4. Feeling upset for no reason -- "I don't know why I am sad. I just feel it."
5. Suffering from insomnia -- can't sleep properly at night or even disturbed 
6. Oversleeping -- still sleepy even though she has 8 hours sleep already
7. Cannot concentrate -- She cannot focus properly to things she usually does
8. High irritability -- Low tolerance to problems 

Helpguide.org also added some symptoms commonly spotted to those persons who suffer from depression or clinical depression which include:

1. Feeling hopeless and helplessness 
2. Cannot concentrate properly to previous tasks
3. Cannot control negative thoughts, no matter how much one could try
4. Appetite changes either binge eating or the other way around
5. Much more irritable, short-tempered and aggressive more than usual
6. Consuming more alcoholic drinks or doing such reckless behavior more than usual
7. Having thoughts of ending one's life (this is more serious)
8. Loss of interests to daily activities
9. Loss of energy to do things
10. Unexplained pains in the body -- this includes the back pains, stomach pains, and aching muscles 

Other than these terms, there are even worst situations just like relating depression and suicide. There are people who are unable to turn to people nor didn't made efforts to restore their selves may be able to think of ending their lives. Suicide. Hereunder are the enlisted symptoms of persons who are at risk of committing suicide which has to be noted properly and has to be taken seriously (Helpguide.org) :

1. Starting to talk about killing or harming one's self
2. Expressing strong feelings of hopelessness or being trapped 
3. An unusual preoccupation with death and dying
4. Acting recklessly, e.g. speeding through red lights
5. Calling or visiting people to say goodbye
6. Getting affairs in order (e.g. giving away important stuffs)
7. Saying things like "It's really better if life is off me" or "It's really best when I am not around here"
8. A sudden switch from being extremely depressed to calm and happy
   

One has several reasons why they are getting depressed. According to the same site, I just read, there are the most common reasons why people tend to get depressed or even worse, choosing to end their lives:

1. Loneliness
2. Lack of social support
3. Recent stressful life experiences
4. Family history of depression
5. Marital or relationship problems
6. Financial strain
7. Early childhood abuse or trauma
8. Alcohol or drug abuse
9. Unemployment or underemployment
10. Health problems or chronic pain 

These are just among of the things commonly spotted to persons who are really in depression phase in accord to the two sites I just read. Hope this helps.

Author's Notes:
The reason why I blog this is for my own purpose. As such, I intentionally read two sites regarding the common notions about depression and how depression is really defined in medical terms. Aside from that, I also read several articles about counteracting to depression which will be for the next blog. Yes, this blog is for me to really answer my questions I have in mind. To inform you, I have all the symptoms of depression and some in suicide. But, I should say in the suicide part, it's only half of it, I shall say. Only the lightest parts. But the rest of the depression symptoms indicated here are all manifested in my behavior.

Thus, this blog is a sort of hitting of two birds with one stone since I am hitting two groups of people who are nearly vulnerable and relative to this phase of life. First, I am informing people who are able to read this blog and second, to inform myself of my condition. From this blog, I just realized that I am not in the most exciting part of my life, and even nearly a deadly one. I am really depressed.

If you are going to ask me why, just look at the part where I stated the possible reasons of depression. You can read them there.

It's been weeks when I experience this one. Now, it's getting more aggressive than the usual occurrence. Just yesterday, I just drank 13 pills. How could any normal woman ever think of taking so much meds in one day? You can just think of two things. Maybe she's insane or maybe she's DEPRESSED.

Depression for me, is a profound experience. Help me. Pray for me. Hope I can handle this. :(

Masochism: Hideously pleasant experience

Stay upright.
Stay gorgeous and hot.
Stay beautiful in any angle.
Stay intelligent as much as possible.
Stay awesome.
Stay with cool career.
Stay powerful.
Stay ambitious.
Stay hidden.
Stay insecure.
Stay private.
Stay freaky.
Stay masochist.
Stay what?

As much as people will see the goodness in me and how they praise me for something I did that for them is so great, that only a few could ever do. Things that only selected people can make them possible. As such, power and fame could really conquer one's secrets. I shall say, override the darkest sides, which I really hide as much as possible.

Masochism.

According to Wikipedia.com, masochism is an act of gratifying one's self by hurting self to any means. It may come either sexual or not as long as the factor of enjoying the pain is much noticeable from the person. It's much more of enjoying pain.

I don't know the concrete reason why I am writing this blog with this topic. Maybe, it's because I wanted to record the events that will somehow turn out to masochism. Why? I somehow like the feeling of getting pain from anything. These past experiences will tell me why.

1. Scratching my arm skin with a nail pusher

Last 2008, I was deeply hurt by too much pressure. Pressure of being on top of the game all the time. I was really in competition to myself whether I could really make it to the top spot of the batch. Well, you know, Class Valedictorian. I like to be praised with my abilities and so on and for making it there, but I really hate the pressure of people around me especially my family per se. I guess all of them are telling me, "You know, you are the only one who will reach the top spot from the family clan. So, grab that chance. Use your brains." I really could remember my mother telling me those words just months before the graduation.

So, I am really an obedient daughter, so I really did my best shot in everything. However, upon making the process of reaching it, there are a lot of factors why it's tough. Well, here comes this classmate who was also trying her best to give the best shot to reach my level. And, what is worse is that my teachers are really liking her. But, I didn't mind. I still make it sure that I really have A++ grades in everything. From exams, quizzes, etc. So, yes, I was announced to be the class valedictorian. But, the process is really hard. There was one time that the gold medal which was supposed to be mine was really given to the other one. So, I was really depressed. But, still I was the class Valedictorian. But, there were anomalies and I really fought for it.

So, to make this tale short, I was not able to take the pressure, because first, it's hard to maintain the top spot and second, it's hard to resist from sexual temptation.

At that time, my classmates are already inviting me to join their club. I really insist that I don't want to do it. But then, in the middle of the process, it's getting lose. So, I tried to hit on someone. But, then, I realized that it's not a good thing because he was just using me to prove to his pals that he made the top 1 of the graduating class, the very tough one, fall in love with him or somehow liking him, with his adorable moves.

I guess, at that time, I was too pressured, so, I got myself a chance to be alone and got myself a nail pusher and start to doodle in my arm. I wrote the word "LOVE". As far as I could remember, that was the word that I really didn't understand. I really ask myself whether people are just loving me or telling me that they love me just because they have something to get from me just like my intelligence and fame. Something like that. LOVE.

Somehow, it looks like in this photo but it's just deeper and it's written with the word "LOVE".  

 Photo credits: Google.com.ph

 2. Attempt to cut my wrist 

Last 2012, I did something worse again. I just tried to cut my wrist. On my left hand, where the main vein is present. So, imagine, if I did cut my left wrist, maybe, I'm already cold in the grave now. So, thank God I'm still alive. 

As far as I could remember, 2011-2012 was the most obnoxious years of my life. It was the time that my heart was totally broken because of some reasons. First, I was rejected by the man I loved since I was first year in college, since 2009. I confessed my feelings to him but, he denied it by 2012. Telling the whole bunch of stories around it will take this blog too long. So, just a glimpse of it, it's like you're being left behind with so much expectations because of the way he shows you. He really acted as if he has the comfy, liking me feeling. He started to act like that 2010. So, my adoration to him went deeper and later, it formed to love. I really was totally hurt when he denied that. Just imagine, I was into him and only him during my entire college years. Almost. Second reason, I was in the list that I almost lost my scholarship. Actually, this was because I was too affected by the first reason. I fell in love with someone who can't love me back so, everything sucked up. From my grades, to my performance in the student government office. Everything. Hence, because of that, I really thought of killing myself. I don't know, but as far as I could remember, after the fearful rejection from this man, this made my whole life in trouble. 

First, I played boys. I fool them around. I reaped them. I took advantage of them. I was totally insane. Second, I suffered from my almost-gone scholarship. Third, my chance of getting a cum laude was then blurry. 

So, what I did is I got something sharp and cut my wrist. But, I really don't know what exactly happened, but it's just that I think somebody had stopped me from doing that. So, I really stopped. I don't know. Then, I just realized that it was already painful and all. So, I tried to cover it with a bracelet. So, it was totally painful. Imagine a fresh wound covered with something. I just secretly put some ointment on it just to ease the pain and heal it faster. I thought I was the only who knew about it but then Clifford, the student assistant of the student activities office, which was the organizer of the leadership camp, saw it. I approached him to put some plaster and all just to cover it because of the water games. So, he was the only one who knew about it. 

 The wound is looking like this photo below. 

Photo credits: http://thestoryofmywrists.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/scar.jpg

3. Punching the walls, floors

Just this Friday, June 13, 2014, I punched the walls and floors because of several reasons. But, what was exactly the major thing there was I was just getting too emotional to think that anyone who could will know it will really think I'm too stupid to do that. First reason, I just missed my boyfriend that much because of lesser quality time now. I know it's really because of work but, it's deeper than that. It was more of being unfair of some things. Well, you know, effort. With that, it really required me a lot of barrels of understanding and patience until it reached the point that I wasn't able to take the pain inside me and as such, I need to release it. So, I punched the walls, the floors. Second reason, I really feel that I get slapped with my own face. Why? Because I was a career woman. At first, it was cool to know that I will stay at home and rest from too much working, too much teaching, too much stress. It was really at the beginning. But then, it turned out that he was the one working that much and now, I'm at home. I really realized that it's really hard to be a housewife especially that you're a career woman at first. In my case, I really was workaholic. With that, it will make me sick if I just stay at home doing nothing. So, this time, it's really a big and a tough challenge to do. You know, it's really different than before, which makes it more boring but at the same time, exciting. Ironic, isn't it? Yeah, but I just want to emphasize that what I really just thought of is just the present and not of the future. This time, right after punching the walls, and suffering my weekends from this swollen hand, I somehow able to understand things. 

What I just felt is just an insane desperation of attention. I'm naturally an attention-seeker. But then, somehow, I'm left alone in the house. My parents are working and now my sister, who was always here with me, now at school and in college. My boyfriend is at work now. So, literally, I was left in the dark. It was really completely irritating. I'm alone. 

So, that was it, I really was left with the choice of releasing this pain inside rather than slowly it will kill me step by step. As a result, I have a swollen hand from too much punching. But, still, I'm really so cool with acting so my parents didn't notice that except my sister who was really an insane observant. 

 My right hand was somehow looking like this. 

 Photo credits: http://www.handsurgerysingapore.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/swollen_hands.jpg

 With these sets of experiences, I really have to record these things and try to avoid early symptoms of masochism. For real. With these, I really hope that the people around me will help me with these behavior disorder because I know it's not good. My boyfriend really told me that I have to stop this kind of behavior. But, for me, it's not easy especially that it has been with me all these years. He even told me, that he will be making a stress debriefing baseball bat or something out of wood so, I will just release every tension in my body just by smashing the walls with the baseball bat and not my hand. 

So, well, that's why I often asked him, "Schatz, do you really know how to handle me?" And he always says "Yes" 

Well, this is another part of me for him to handle. But at least, we somehow discuss it several times and really letting him understand my past experiences. But this, masochism thing is a bit fresh to him. So, this blog will help him understand this side of me. 

Schatz, don't worry, I will cope this disruptive behavior. Help me. :)

Author's Notes:

Masochism, at its early stages should be discussed well with partners or with the family. So, they could understand your situation. In my case, only my sister knows about it and my boyfriend. But, my parents don't know about this, really. Because whenever I'm with them, I have to make sure I'm alright and stable. So, only my sister and my boyfriend are the ones whom I can share most of my emotions. But then, it is quite miserable because they are now absent and busy with things. 

Anyway,  anything could get worse, ask help or start to talk to anyone you trusted the most to secure help from them. Because if we will just let this problem pass through, it will just affect our way of thinking and in the worst side, our future especially when we already own a family. It's not a good way that our future kids will see us in this scenario. 

Let's pray for each other so we can help each other hand in hand. So, we'll get through this tough challenge. Amen. 

Tschüß!

Pre-wedding thoughts

Just this afternoon, I was encoding both of my affidavit of parental advice and parental consent to marriage as part of my requirements for the civil wedding with my German boyfriend.

Excuse me? Did I just say wedding?

Yeah, I will be married. As young as I am, I will be.

As a great thinker and as straightforward as I am, a lot of things in logical reasoning are popping out in my head right now. Why?

1. Because I am a wedding hater.
Even years ago, I attended the weddings of my cousins, and all of them are sick. Why? It's either they got married just because they are already pregnant or they made their girlfriends pregnant in an instant  (like those in the factories).

2. Because I am dumbass.
Although I am a bitch, both spoken and written. BITCH as in Beautifully Intelligent To be Caught by Heart, I always shoo away suitors but, ironically, I fall in love without hesitance and doubts. Yes, I do fall in love so fast that it doesn't even need another night for me to realize that I have fallen in love. But when I do fall, it's eternal. So as much as possible, the man should be the right one. Yet, there are really circumstances that doesn't coincide with my desires. So, I fell in love and still left broken.

So, with that, I promised not to let these men get in my heart. To be honest, I played with them. Fooled them around. So, with fierce seduction, I was able to get men with my hook. But, after doing so, I find these things not enjoyable. Thus, it made me so numb to let my current boyfriend get in to my heart before he did caught my heart. Well, he is too persistent and too confident to really get in. He was totally challenged, I guess. So, that was it.

3. Because I am too young.
That thought of getting married at 22, is too young for a career woman like me. But, that was before I met him. I have read a lot of articles that marrying in an early age can have a high risk of divorce. So, that also scared me. It's because, we might not know what will happen in the future. Well, this thought is to pessimistic.

On the brighter side, it's my personal decision to override my pessimism with optimism. It's my personal decision to get married at 22. It's my personal decision to spend with my boyfriend for the rest of my life no matter what happens in the future. It's all my decision. In fact, even my grandmother married my grandfather at the age 22, too, my aunt at around 20 or 21, and my grandaunt, at 13. See? Seems like I am enlisting myself to family tradition.  

4. Because my freedom will be at stake.
I am so independent that my parents really hate about me. Even my circle of friends and even my bosses, they hate me so much because they really don't know what's going on just because I don't tell them of what I am currently been doing. It's because I am too confident to finish all these tasks without letting them know. I am the type of person who doesn't inform others about what I am actually doing. Giving updates is my weakness. I am kinda private, secretive type of person in this sense. When I have plans, I just face them myself and when problems arises, people will just notice me so problematic that they don't even know what I am been stressing out. They will just know if they will force me to. But, if they don't, I won't tell them.

This kind of freedom-seeker attitude that I have will be changed when I get married. Klar, I am married. The two of us will really help each other to face each problems and together, solve these problems. TOGETHER. NOT ALONE. TOGETHER. TOGETHER.

So, I am really aware of this part. My freedom in this sense will change dramatically. With God's grace, it will be aided by my husband-to-be.

Author's Notes (for my boyfriend):

Dear Schatz, 

I know you did observe my behavior for the past months and how they change dramatically. They actually change from time to time. So, I know there are times that I don't tell you of my problems. So, I am really thankful that you have been so patient with me, dear. Thank you for being with me until this day. I will not dare lose you, Schatz.  Nothing will hinder my love for you. It's so strong. It can flush the shit away from the toilet. :P 

Seriously, Schatz, you know that I am still young and you know that I still have a lot to do. So, please don't make a cage for me in the future. Just support me just like the way you are doing now. We will support each other. I will support your endeavors and you, too, for mine. 

In totality, Schatz, thank you a lot. Vielen dank! I love you so much, Schatz. 

Sincerely,

Messy Mes. :D

 
     
 

Spreche Deutsch: On the spot!

Well, I have practiced a lot of German since March. Even in front of my students, I am studying it while they are busy with their class work. Thanks to my German boyfriend who supported me along the way. :)

Just this May 31, a surprising event just turned my brain cells really much functional. I should say, all my nerves are activated that time. What just happened?

Well, the ex-wife of my boyfriend, Claudia, was just chatting me with their 4 1/2 year old daughter, Annika. All German. Pak! Wapak! Just literally like the sounds of the whipping kicks and punches of Bruce Lee in his old movies, I felt my ears are in big boom.

Sweating. Gasping. Sighing.

In an instant, my ever-bitchy attitude and friendly atmosphere, instantly gone off an instant. Well, still, I was trying to maintain my posture and image in front of these people, well, they are just 3 Germans in front of my screen. Really lol.

This is the real-time captured image via Skype during our conversation last May 31, 2014.

There are a lot in my mind during that time. Literally, a lot. 

Even right now, when I come to think of it. It's a lot to tell. 

So, let me first digest them. One by one. 

1. My German speaking skills. 

That was really tested during that time, especially that Annika was there. So, I was really trying my best that they will be able to understand me with my German. Even though, I know I am not yet good at it. But, I did tried to speak their language. 

However, they are real Germans. So, it's just common sense to think that they are speaking their language. So, stupid if they can't. Well, yeah, it's their language. I was afraid that they will laugh at me if I speak it the wrong way. So, I was really careful. 

2. She is the ex-wife. 

The odd feeling of facing the ex of my boyfriend via Skype (just temporarily, next time in person), is really dominant in me during that time. Whoa! I am now facing her. What a chance to see her. The mother of Annika. Cool. 

Getting to know her, is really cool. Apart from the idea that I got to have German friends, she is nice and friendly to me, so I'm really fine with her. 

3.  The presence of Annika. 

She is totally adorable. I really like her. She is really pretty. That is why, I am really astonished whenever I got to see her. And because of that, I chose her to be the wallpaper of the desktop of the laptop now. :)

Her face is making me feel relaxed so that's why, I'm really looking forward to see her. Well, unlike any other stepmothers created by the image of Disney (Cinderella story, etc) I will be nice to her, of course, and treat her as my own child, too. So, my boyfriend, will never have any problems to my relationship to her. Come to think of it, I will be her English teacher for free! hahahaha! :) 

In sum, although that was a bit terrifying experience for me to speak German on the spot. At least, my level of German fluency was tested. Now, I am looking for more experiences with German conversations. Apart from my chunky German convo with my boyfriend now, it's good to meet and to get close to his family and friends through learning their own language apart from speaking English and well, of course, non-Visayan. 

Das ist alles. Tschuss!