Self-respect. Self-control. Self-acceptance.

I have come to realize that there is so much more than any opportunity that comes along the way to make my eyes open so wide about myself. What I mean is, the way I should see myself the way I should have even before this movie made me realize about it.

This afternoon, I just come to notice about this film "Educating Julie (1984)", which revolves around the timid and demure Julie Potter, a college student, assigned to do research about "Nudity in the 1980s".

 Movie poster

A scene in the film with Julie and her boyfriend, Steve.

With this film that I just watched, I learned something with these three powerful words. Self-respect. Self-control. Self-acceptance. 

Self-respect.

As the society defines it, self-respect is a value that is determined by each person's manner of giving morale and giving much more importance on abiding to norms of the society than the taboos. It is also defined as giving self a proper esteem as well as giving self the dignity it deserves. Society may define self-respect in varied ways but the point here is, all of us needs to have this individually to clearly define self and the way we are unique with one another. Another way of giving such self-respect is to reach potentials that we never knew we can. 

 I have never emphasized this thought before. I knew what I can do but I failed to recognize it because of my fear to whatever people may think of me when I do it. It took me a lot of years to face it that even until now, I still have such fear inside me that I have always fought for. I know my capacities and my limitations. They are somehow clear to me. But, this year, I want to make them clearer this time. I can't dare to waste another moment of my life to live life with such stupid fears anymore. I have to stand with my high black stilettos, heads up, breast out, stomach in, stunning physique. Just like this woman here.

 

With such great move on myself today, my drive to make something of myself and to test myself grew deeper. I know this will take me much time, but I know in the end, I'll reap it for good. 

Self-control.

The friend of my boyfriend's story behind his breakup with his Japanese chick made me think of this word. It is something that I should keep especially that my personality is really highly enthusiastic and highly active. Naturally, I am a Sagittarian plus I am born in the year of the monkey. According to Chinese zodiac, I am super active and my personality is really fiery. Thus, to keep balance, I am thankful that my boyfriend is having such calming nature that somehow helped me slow down a bit from my fast pacing attitude. I am always so driven that I forgot to focus on what I should do and I forgot to check on myself's natural way achieving things. Hence, I always end up in pain either by physical due to back pains or emotionally by harmful stresses.

Personally, anyone could be able to handle things positively, jovially, or warmly if they are able to practice self-control. The story behind my boyfriend's friend behind the terrible breakup just because he was not able to control his self from temptation to cheat and have sex with another girl and punched the girl's boyfriend. It was freaky but it's out of inability to control self. 

In my case, the control of tactlessness, emotional distresses,  and insensitivity really made me hard to be understood. Somehow, even myself. I can't have the consistent energy of positivity just because my negating attitude especially if I am out of control really kills me a lot of times. I am so thankful that my boyfriend and my family is able to live with it. With God's grace, I pray that my boyfriend will be able to accept it totally and live with it positively. 

Self-acceptance.

Despite the fact that I have all the impurities both by physical and emotional and even spiritual, still this movie helped me remind that I should be able to accept myself no matter what this body may look like and as well as my behavior towards other people. I didn't mean that I can be rude to others and such I can do all the stupidity anyone can think of. What I mean is that, I can act the way I want to act. I can say and think the way I wanted it. The way God made me. I should be able to respect this identity and my uniqueness. With that, I should stop telling myself that I am so ugly compared to others because I have my own unique stunning beauty that only I could ever possess. 

It is even defined as the person's ability to accept the flaws and to love self unconditionally. In other words, each one of us should be able to handle self regardless of the glitches that we have in our own bodies. Instead of judging it, learn to be proud of it and know more of its capacities and potentials. 

Igen, my boyfriend, has always told me that I am beautiful and I am not fat. But, I always do look fat. I can't recognize his praises about me. My sister Hann, always told me that my body is cute and small and she even told me that if she has my body in her height, she may be slim by now. However, I failed to see it myself. Until now. A lot of people have told me this and that about me.

I am beautiful.
I am sexy.
I am slim.
I am hot.

Yet, I still can't manage to see them in me.

With the movie I just saw, I realized that it's easy to accept self. Just look at myself in the mirror naked and see my real body. Without clothes. In that way, I will be able to see how will I really look like and my whole body as well. Inch by inch.

I have always done that. You know, seeing myself without clothes facing the mirror. Somehow, it helped me feel confident myself. I hope someday, I can walk in the roads never bothering much on how I look like. I just have to be myself. It's like, es tut mir egal.

Author's Notes:

We all have different views. Thus, I respect them. Well, this is my way of seeing things. These are based from my own set of values and beliefs. So, I also expect respect from you, also.

For my loved ones, my boyfriend and my family, I wish to extend my deepest gratitude for accepting me inside and outside. I may be stubborn and stupid, but you still love me unconditionally. With God's graces, may He bless you with that. Thank you so much. Dankeschön!

**I deem acknowledge the owners of the photos included in this blog. I don't own them personally.    

Überhaupt, tschüss Leute! Bis bald!

What the hell am I doing?

It sounds like I am so into having a baby.
Yes, I am sounding just like that.
For real.

Just today, I was able to have a long talk with the girlfriend of my cousin. It was the longest I should say. Actually, we were talking about several experiences that she had when she has experienced sex the first time and now, first time being a mother. Right now, she is in the 2nd turning 3rd month pregnant this month. Well, she seems excited. Well, the both of them. They are both excited to how their baby would look like.

I was just listening to her and somehow interacted. A bit.
I was just noticing myself, staring at her tummy.

I touched mine, too.
Seems like I also feel that I am having a baby on my own.
Actually, everyone is expecting a baby from me, anyway. 

It's just that these several days that passed, I have always thought of being pregnant more frequent than before. Several times, I touched my tummy. Several times, I watched pregnant women photos. Several times, I am watching her tummy. So weird.

However, I have told my boyfriend about it. At my young age, it's weird to feel like that especially at this level, with my status, I should have pursued higher degrees or worked as a natural career woman. But, this has not been the case. I have undergone the stage where I have to take the path of having a family first before doing so. But, this is not the thing I will be emphasizing about. It's about the pregnancy state.

I have been known by anyone who hates babies. I hate everything about them. From their loud cries to annoying laughter and stressful rearing. But, it's just so weird that a career woman like me, whom everyone expected to achieve a lot after obtaining the university degree, already thinking to have a baby with my young age. At 21, yes, I am really loving now the idea to have a baby.

Before
Babies.
Stupid. Brat. Annoying. Loud. Stressful. Messy. CRAP!

Now
Babies.
Cute. Adorable. Loving. Relaxing. I WANT TO HAVE ONE, TOO! 

 
I really don't understand my feeling now. It's so weird. The entire thing about me having my own baby in my tummy is really weird. But, I think it's a signal that I will bear one.

Apart from the idea that I really wanted to have my baby, is that my boyfriend is wanting it, too. I don't know the exact things he wishes to say but, I know in his mind, he wanted me to bear his child from me. He even told me that he just think about our baby on how he looks like when they are born, before he sleeps. He even asked me to how our kids would look like with a German-Filipina decent. He is even excited to the idea.

That is why I am loving him so much.

Author's Notes:

We may have different experiences in life. This is just my personal view on it.
My motive is just to express deeply how I felt with being a mom.
It's really cute and lovely, when someone calls me, "Mama".
Aside from it, it would be so romantic if my husband will touch my tummy with the baby inside it. Kicking. Moving. Feeling every inch of me and her father. So touching.
Right now, I really don't know. I just put all the words from my mind so fresh that I didn't even cared if whatever I have written here are grammatically correct.
Crap that out! I am not an English teacher here. I am a soon-to-be mother.
I just want to express.

Psalm 139:14-15
"Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous--how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb."

As I have said in the previous blog, I stated my intentions to my husband-to-be and my future-baby.
Right now, I just want to cry.

Psalm 139: A cool reminder of being human

I am lady. Yes, I am.
I have always been adored and loved by everyone.
I have always been on top of everything.
I am always praised for anything I do.
As such, I always forget that I am also a human.
A human with emotions, constantly changing time by time.

Today, while reading the Bible in Psalms 139: 1-18, I am reminded that in this world, there are changes. Change is always been a constant companion. Two thousand years have gone since our Savior has died on the cross by cruelty of humankind, it seems that His message is irreplaceable and unchanging.

I am not really that religious per se. But, with His astonishing wisdom, I am always struck by them. These verses that I have just read somehow gave me a picture of how I should act and think as part of preparation of my future self.

Someday, I will become a mom. Being a mom is not easy as any single ladies would think. My mom knows that. I simply bluff, "Ma (Filipino way of saying mom), I wish to have a baby on my own." These are just simple words in my mind that pops out but I know that it is not that simple as I see it. Motherhood is entirely such a big sacrifice.

This photo above is a sweet and romantic one.
A pregnant woman is showing her big tummy with her husband. So cute! :)

Anyway, motherhood is such a big sacrifice. Apart from the fact that this is part of the consequences of the sins of our Biblical ancestors from Adam and Eve, however, it is also the sweetest phase of being a woman. This is where her important role in the society comes.

I am writing this blog to express what I have in mind these past few days.

I have been somehow surrounded by pregnant women in the house and in the community. Wherever I go, I could see more pregnant women as frequently as before. This somehow wonders me. Why? Is this such a call that I will be a mother soon? How this will work out? These are the matters that I consider before jumping to the act of motherhood.

1. Sexual pleasure.
I could say any woman loves to have sex. Well, it is the most pleasurable act made by God to recreate His children. Generation by generation. Yet, it is created positively to recreate and not just merely to express how great our bodies are, especially for lust. Merely for lust. No!

So, personally, I see sex as the most romantic activity with my husband. Thus, I am already 21 years old, but still I protected my V to any man. I am preparing my body to him only. Because of this, a lot of sexual invitations existed as I go along with this drive. A lot of them. Yet, I only see them as a test of will whether I will give in or not. I even have self-conflicts whether to experience it or not yet. But, with God's grace, I was able to surpass them. Until now, I am still a virgin and I am proud of it.

I know myself, that I am capable of doing it and even studied it for several times, but neither did I made any mistake of trying it to anyone. These things I offer to my one and only husband. Because sex for me, is a God-given gift for me and my husband to make a family, a very happy one. With him, me and our wonderful and beautiful kids. That's it.
 
2. Career compromised. 
I am an ambitious woman I should say. Thus, I can do anything just to make my ambition turn out successfully. Upon having the condition of being pregnant, somehow, these plans I have in my mind will change a bit. It's like I am changing directions but still the plan to achieve what I want is still there.

What's my dream?
To be a successful professor in either art subject/s or writing class. Abroad. 

I may not be able to achieve it the way I see it before, but, I am still determined to achieve it. No matter what happens in the future.

Being a career-driven woman at the same time a mom is not easy. But, with the help of my husband and our families, I know for sure, we can do it with positivism. With this, I really need a lot of wisdom from the Lord when it comes to things like these.

3. Stability.
Financially, I am not yet stable as of the moment. I am still unemployed, still going through the step-by-step process of getting there. It may take some time, but, with God's grace, I know for sure that I will be able to achieve it. Others may see motherhood in my age, as too young-to-be-a-mother, but, it's God's call. It's His call. As much as I wanted to, I really want to be stable, too, like my husband. It's like my hardwork from getting the university degree, diploma, etc. will be gone wasted if I will not pursue higher and somehow move forward. I don't care if I am already a mom, who cares?

4. Marriage.
It's better to be pregnant after the marriage. Not before it. Thus, personally, if my boyfriend is able to read this part, I hope he will. Because this is really crucial part. As much as possible, I will be pregnant after we will get married. Not, before it. I really want to welcome the baby when we are already legally accepted both by God and the laws of the land. Unlike the others who will get into marriage just because the girl was impregnated. I really don't like that idea.

I have been praying that it will not happen to me. Thus, with God's grace, I will be having a baby after the marriage. Marriage for me is really special. Apart from the fact, that it is one way to welcome the new member of the family, but also a celebration of love between two people.

Yes, I know that by the time, I will be 22 years old. Just months after I have my birthday, I will be married. Hence, as early as now, I am thinking of what will happen in the celebration proper. For me, marriage is really special. It's a once in a lifetime experience. That is why, I am always praying that there will be a man that God will give me to be with until the end. Not just a come-and-go type. Bu, forever.

Forever. Infinity. Eternity. Lifetime.
Meaningful words.
Yes, they are.
 

That is why, until now, I am praying for stronger relationship between us. I know he is not that religious, but I know he is really hoping that this will be bond we are both looking for.  

We may have differences. A lot. But with acceptance, we are able to make positive relationship with each other.

I am emotional. He is not dramatic.
And others...

We have a lot of tied pasts. A lot. But with trust, we are able to hold on to each other although there are still people who are still clinging to us.

Thus, the entirety of motherhood, including some factors that will affect the mindset of the soon-to-be mothers is really complex and enjoyable, at the same time. 

These are just my personal view of it. I may have change in view in the future when I will be a real mother. But, right now, I am still not. But soon, I will.

Author's Notes:

Based from my own experiences, this is the first time that I have been to any relationships. I have never have a background on how to handle things. I just rely on myself and to my God. There are really times that I get down and I can't understand things right away such as dealing with the exes of my boyfriend and the pressures around me. As far as I have heard from him, he really wants to have a baby from me. And I do, too, since I will be the one who bear it from my own womb.

I really don't have any idea on how to deal with the pregnancy phase. I may look disfigured and ugly the time I become pregnant, but, hopefully, my future husband will not change his love for me just because the beautiful lady he is seeing everytime will be temporarily gone due to pregnancy.

I will bigger.
I will look fat.
I will be disfigured.
I always look stressed and in pain.
I will not be able to eat what I once loved.
I will not be able to dance a lot as I am doing now.
I will not be able to move the way I was.
I will suffer.
Pain.
Pain.
But, the sweetest pain I could ever imagine.

To my future-husband, I hope you will still love me even if I will not be sexy in your eyes anymore. :)
God bless you all the time. Don't worry, after giving birth, I will do more effort to regain my body you used to see. :)

To my future-baby, I hope you will enjoy your 9-month stay in my womb. I am looking forward to see you soon. You are an angel to me, and to your dad. I know it will take years for you to read this message but I know you will be able to read this blog for you, my child. To express that even if you are still not around, I am so happy to have you in my life.

***I acknowledge the owner of the photo since I don't own it. :) 

Deutsch Lernen: A Self-Help (Introduction)

Hallo, Herr und Frau. Ich bin Mecyll von den Philippinen. Ich bin einundzwanzig Jahre alt. Es freut mich Sie kennenzolernen. Verstanden? Yeah, right now, I am practicing a lot of German stuff today. Well, actually since March, I have been practicing a lot while I was still teaching back then. Right now, I shall say I am doing well. Ich kann das verstehen ein bisschen Deutsch aber noch nicht spreche gut Deutsch, wirklich. Aber, ich muss mehr Deutsch üben. I can understand a little German but I still can't speak German well, really. But, I must practice German more.

I know that learning a new language that is a lot farther than the usual language that you use is really hard to do so, but when we have so-called determination, anything is possible. In my case, it is really difficult to learn German because the mother tongue that I grew up with is really far from the new language I am learning. But, thanks to the English language which I am also used to, it is also a great help for me to link German in some terms. But in terms of its entirety, really, learning German is really hard. Well, with the help of my German boyfriend, learning it is a bit easy for me. Aside from his help, I also have a lot of strategies to learn German on my own and so far, it is really effective. This is a great tool for me to use while I am still not officially enrolled to a formal German coursework recognized by the German government.

In this blog, I wish to give you some tips on how to learn German language on your own.

1. Find some common phrases that you can use as a starter in learning the language. 
When my boyfriend told me that my papers for visa and stuff will be processed if I pass the A1 German exam, I immediately made my first step. Actually, this is a requirement for those non-EU residents to get in to any European country. Since Germany is part of EU, it is deemed a requirement to learn the basics of German language and pass the A1 exam before everything else will be done such as visa requirements and all. For more information, you can search the visa requirements in German embassy in your respective country since each country has their own set of requirements. In my case, Philippines, I need to take A1 since Philippines is a non-German speaking country, so we are really required to take the A1.

Well, I know it's really hard to acquaint to this language but I guess German language has been the most used language all over the world aside from English and French so, learning German is a bit useful since other countries in Europe also speaks German such as some parts of Switzerland, Belgium, Austria, Luxembourg, and Liechtenstein. So, if you learn the language both written and oral, you can find it easy to mingle to other countries also apart from Germany.

Germany

Switzerland

Belgium

Austria

Liechtenstein

Luxembourg

Anyhow, I started from the basic phrases which are commonly used by the German community. In that way, I can be familiar with the important parts of their language especially their vocabulary and their famous umlauts like ü, ä, ö, and ß. It took me several weeks to familiarize these things. With all headaches, I really thrived to do so. With the help of my German boyfriend, he somehow added some expressions usually heard in their community which is really helpful for me to know.

2. Find some videos online for beginners level in German language. 
This is what I did after familiarizing the whole set of German expressions. I linked myself to the videos posted online so I could really familiar more of the German language especially in terms of listening to how these words are pronounced and used properly. It took me several weeks to focus and study to master a bit of these rules in grammar since I am a bit auditory learner, so I really know that I learn flexibly if I listen to it.

Just a tip in listening to German language online:

a. Be sure that you really listen and not just hear it.
This means that it is not enough to listen to it once. You can recall how it is pronounced but you also have to use it. I murmur all the time in the house recalling all the words and try to apply them based from what I have understood. It's really difficult and really made me a headache but it's worth the try.

b. Take down notes.
It's not enough to listen but rather take notes. We are not Einstein nor Liebniz, so we are not geniuses. Thus, we really need to record all the words including their pronunciations to aid us upon recalling, studying German. This is what I am using, DeutschOnlineLernen. You can browse the videos in different lessons. For best outcome, follow the videos in order since the videos are arranged according to difficulty.

3. Find some downloadable German beginner's coursework A1 level online. 
This is your next step. Right now, I am still in the middle of mastering German. So, I still don't have the perfect fluent German. But according to my German boyfriend, I am doing so good, so far. That means, I really have effective strategies. So, what I did is, I searched some PDF coursework A1 and printed them since I learn more kinesthetically. That means, I learn faster if I take down notes or mark something on the sheets of paper with my pen. So, I printed them out and study. But, you also have the option to learn it through laptop or just mere softcopy of the file.

So this is the file I personally use:
Basic German: A Grammar and Workbook (H. Schenke & K. Seago, 2004)

Well, learning German depends on your personal strategy. You can download the file and print or you can just learn it through the softcopy itself. So, it's your own discretion on how you really do it.

4. Watch German media i.e. films, shows, songs, etc. 
Using media as one of my partners in learning German is really helpful for me since in this way, I could be able to use the things I learned so far in German. But of course, this will not be a good idea if you are still acquainting with the language. You need to take step-by-step procedures as I have shown here. These strategies are really in order since learning German needs a lot of step-by-step process. Anyway, these media will show you how the actual conversations in German sounds like and even how they arrange the words in songs and actual conversations. Right now, I somehow got used to the language because I really see these everyday and I really listened to German songs several times and if not, I watch German films. These will really help you out in learning German.

5. Find a German friend/boyfriend/girlfriend. 
 Others see this as a great tool as a form of support to the learning system towards German language mastery. So, having set of German friends or even non-German natives but speaks German well, that is a good thing to have. With my experience, my boyfriend helps me a lot in terms of the vocabulary and correcting me in my speaking skills and as well as the grammar. It is really tough but as I get used to it, it's really good. I find it easier to master the language with his help since he is really a German native both resident and speaker. So, aside the from the language, I can also acquaint to the culture and society as well which is also an important thing that you should consider upon learning German language. You should also consider the culture and how they come up with that kind of communication they have. That helps, really.

6. Enroll to a recognized language institute.
This will be you last pursuit. Before you enter this part, at least, if you follow my steps from the first to the fifth, entering the institute offering German language courses will be less difficult to you. It will just be a sort of a review of the lessons you have undergone from your self-help learning. So, this endeavor is helpful especially to those people who wanted to be recognized as an individual having basic knowledge to German language through the examination duly acknowledged by the German government. We all have specific areas where we could learn forma instruction in German but the exam should be officially-recognized. In my country, Philippines, we are obliged to take the examination offered by the Goethe Institut which is located in Manila. So, you may search the said institution since each country has their set of instructions specifically as required per country, as I said earlier.

Author's Notes:

So weit, ich lerne gut Deutsch obwohl noch muss mehr Deutsch üben weil es ist so schwer. Also, heute, ich wirklich lerne mehr und mehr in deutscher Sprache. Aber, ich kann das verstehen ein bisschen Deutsch aber ich weiß dass in weitere Jahre zu kommen, kann ich sprechen und schreiben  fließend Deutsch. So far, I am learning good German although I still must practice more German since it is hard. So, today, I really need to learn more and more in German language. But, I can understand a little German but I know that in more years to come, I can speak and write fluent German.

Well, learning German is really tough. But, it's worth the try. As they say, "No pain, no gain" and I guess that is really applicable to this situation. So, my last advice to people who wish to learn German and still learning it, just keep your determination and drive to learn and to master the language because the effort is nothing if you, yourself is not persevere in learning it. It's requiring us a lot of toughness and heart to be a successful German communicator. Right this moment, I am still learning German around 2 months and counting. Das ist es! Tschüss! 

Disclaimer:
These strategies are personal view so you have your own set of strategy to use. I just share what I really do as of the moment. So, you don't need to follow strictly each step. It's your business.